Insanity Prevailing
by Jandalf the Orange
Summary: The company finds themselves locked out of the Golden Hall of Edoras. So, to pass time... A sing-along, as Jandalf is rather infatuated with "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. Obi-Wan reaches his moment of truth as Lindo and Chelsegorn try to get him to make t
1. In Which Stuff Is Sorted Out, Somewhat

Disclaimer: Lots of this stuff belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien and/or George Lucas.

Now read.

A long time ago, in a strange brain far, far away, there lived a little hobbit named Luke.

No, not Frodo. Luke. Hey, shut up! What do you know about it, huh?!

Ahem. On with the stuff.

Anyway, this hobbit named Luke had an uncle named Owen, who also happened to be a hobbit for some odd reason that the narrator can't figure out.

Wait. I'm doing this wrong.

Heehee! I meant it to be the other way around! Silly me.

So anyway…

There was once a hobbit living on a moisture farm on Tatooine. His name was Frodo. He lived with his uncle, Bilbo, and his robotic aunt.

No, I was NOT WRONG!!!!! **I JUST CHANGED MY MIND!!!!** **I AM NEVER WRONG!!!!!!!!!** **_I AM THE SUPREME GALACTICAL NARRATOR!!!!!!_** **_YOU DARE DEFY ME!!!!!_**

Ahem.

One day, young Frodo got bored and stood on a dune, watching the suns all day. He was then promptly blinded, and got cybernetic eyes, if there are such.

Meanwhile, up in spaaaace…………

The _Tantive IV_ shuddered under enemy fire, heedlessly racing through space while the captain, Bail Antilles, ate donuts and watched "Everybody Loves Raymond".

Two discombobulated mechanical beings made their way down the hall. One was tall, thin, and blonde-haired, the other short, stout, and very bearded.

The bearded one made a few musical beeping noises.

The blonde one looked down at him. "Of course the captain has been notified! You seem to show an undue lack of confidence."

"Tweedle bleep."

"Gimli! Where are you going?!"

"Beep boop boop."

"The Princess?!" Frustrated, Legolas followed after his counterpart.

The Princess in question (Arwen) rounded a corner and bumped into Gimli.

"Tweedle doo-dee-boop!" (that was Gimli, not the Princess)

Legolas looked down corridor after corridor. "Gimli! Gimli! Oh, where could he be?"

He finally found him, typically down the last corridor in the hallway, with the Princess inserting something into his beard. She looked up and down the corridor, then slipped away.

Legolas shuffled up. "There you are! What's going on?"

"Boop-de-beep tweedle ppbbbhh."

"Don't worry about that right now! Wait! Where are you going? Oh, dear." Legolas hurried after Gimli to an escape pod.

"Well, I'm not going in there. What? The Princess? Don't be ridiculous. Oh, fine. But this was not my idea."

They piled in and launched.

"Odd. The damage doesn't look as bad from here."

"Boop tweedle didilee."

"Oh, shut up, you assembly of warehouse value circuitry."

"Ppppbbbbhhhh."

As the escape pod rocketed off, the Narrator decided to revert back to the original plot.

Luke Skywalker lived in the Shire, a part of Middle-earth that belonged mainly to hobbits. Well, actually, all of it belonged to the hobbits.

As I might have previously mentioned (but I'm not sure I did), Luke lived with his uncle, Owen Lars, who also happened to be a hobbit for some odd reason that the narrator _still_ can't figure out.

Anyway, one day Owen decided to have a one-hundred-and-eleventh birthday. So just before he turned 111, everyone who knew him (which was the entire hobbit population) got together to have a **BIG BIRTHDAY BASH**, which, to hobbits, sounded very exciting.

So on the night of his birthday, Owen was outside with all his hobbit friends when they all realized that _someone _was very extremely late. This Someone was supposed to have driven into the Shire earlier this day, but because he sprained his left pinky toe, he sent in a substitute.

__

Creak creak creak creak SQEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAKKKKK!!!

All the hobbits cringed at the sound of a wooden cart's unoiled wheels coming down the path, and panicked for no reason at all.

__

Clang! One of the hubcaps came off and bounced down a hill.

"Bloody rental," muttered the cart's driver. "They expect me to pay two hundred a week for this scrap heap?! Maybe I ought to send a few dragons at them, that's what I ought to do."

"Gandalf! Gandalf!" cried the horribly confused panicky hobbitlings.

The wizard-substitute sighed. "For the last time, I'm not Gandalf, OK?" He pushed back his hat wearily.

All the hobbits gasped, panicked.

"Ben?" ventured one. "Did you get a facelift?"

Obi-Wan glared at him venomously. "Nooo, 'Ben' sent me, his younger self from Episode II: Attack of the Clones, his substitute, because he sprained his left pinky toe."

The hobbits kept staring. Hobbits weren't able to grow beards, even short ones like Obi-Wan's, so they hadn't seen one in a long, long time. Some of them had never seen a beard at all. In a sense, beards were so very mysterious that some hobbits likened them to dragons, which were equally unknown to the Shire. There were many rumors about beards, about some that enabled their wearer to spit fire and fly and other ridiculous stuff that anyone with half a brain would know only applies to dragons, not beards.

Obi-Wan hopped off of his cart and started unloading fireworks.

Lots of fireworks.

I mean, **many** workings of fire.

Or whatever.

Some confused hobbits began speculating that since he owned fireworks, he must have a beard. Well, really…

Obi-Wan and Owen somehow found themselves smoking up by Owen's house, Parcel-End. Owen had gotten tired of the name Bag-End and had decided to change it to something more applicable to postage.

Owen blew a rather nice smoke-ring as the Canadian Government filmed them for a new commercial about quitting smoking.

Obi-Wan gave the people with cameras a rather nasty glare, and settled back as they ran off into the bush, panicking. Then he blew smoke, shaping it with little puffs of breath, and made the smoke into the shape of Zam Wesell's singing ship, making it fly through Owen's ring.

Owen chuckled, then started coughing.

Obi-Wan slapped his back.

Owen started coughing and hacking violently, then stopped and sighed. "Maybe I really ought to quit." 

Obi-Wan shrugged. "S'up to you." He blew another ring.

Owen shrugged and blew another ring.

Anyway, now that the wizard Obi-Wan was here, all the hobbits cheered up immensely. One even felt so bold as to pie Owen, who spent the rest of the evening sputtering through whipped cream and chocolate pudding.

Obi-Wan chose one of the older hobbits to help him with lighting fireworks.

"Heyyyy, why does _he_ get to?" whined Luke. "I wanna!"

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "I won't hurt you only because you're one of the main characters. But I would consider that a warning, if I were you, because next time I might not be so considerate."

Luke cowered, feeling like panicking.

Luke's gardener, Wedge Antilles, tapped his shoulder. "Hey, Mr. Luke! Your uncle's been pied!"

They ran off to the scene of the crime.

Meanwhile, two young hobbits were lingering close to the tail end of Obi-Wan's rental cart. One of them eyed the fireworks while the other polished an apple.

The one that was polishing the apple looked up. "Find one yet?"

The other, a remarkably hairy hobbit, responded unintelligibly.

This response seemed to satisfy the one with the apple, whose name was Han. "Great. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Put it in the tent, quick."

The hairy hobbit complied quickly, rushing into the tent with the firework thingy.

Han stood nonchalantly for a moment until he was sure that no one had seen what had happened in the above few lines, took a bite from his apple and dashed into the tent.

The hairy hobbit growled something.

"You what?! How could you forget the matches? They were right there on the — oh, never mind. I've got some. Okay, Chewie, stand back."

The hairy one obeyed, grunting softly to himself in excitement. His real name was Chewbacca, and though he didn't really look like a hobbit under all the fur, he was one.

Han struck the match. "OK…OK…AAAAGGGGHHH!" he screamed as the rocket took off through the tent roof, Chewbacca howling in panic.

The entire hobbit population that was outdoors at the time looked over in surprise as something burst out of a tent and exploded in the sky. They all clapped and cheered at the spectacular display.

Out of the fireworks emerged a rather large bantha with wings, all made out of fire and magic. It swooped around for a little while, then came a bit close to the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" everyone yelled, panicking, afraid it might spill the ale.

Luckily, it didn't, and as a bonus, nobody died.

"This calls for a celebration," shouted Random Hobbit #26.

"But we're already at one," replied Random Hobbit #54.

"Then let's party!" yelled Random Hobbit #152763.

"YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!" all the hobbits screamed, and drank lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots (hi! Just checking if you'd catch this in the middle of the paragraph) and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of **ale**. Barrels and barrels of **ale**. **ALE!!!!!!!**

Obi-Wan suddenly popped up behind Han and Chewie, grabbing their ears tightly. They howled in panic, spilling their ale.

"I think I'm supposed to say something along the lines of, 'You're very naughty hobbits,'" grated Obi-Wan.

Han and Chewie found themselves as the next shift of dishwashers.

Chewie moaned something.

"Oh, shut up," snarled Han.

The hobbits were getting sleepy and drunk, so they decided to wrap up the party and demand a speech from the hobbit who was presently having a birthday.

"SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!" Then, as they all ran out of breath, Owen stepped up onto an overturned crate and grinned at them. "Hiiiii!!!!!"

Everyone cheered loudly, having regained their breath.

Owen scratched his head, then remembered why he was there. "Today is my eleventy-first birthday!" he exclaimed, sounding rather drunk. "I know I'm supposed to say something confusing, 'bout some people deserving stuff, and others not, but I can't remember for the life of me 'ow it went!"

Everyone cheered loudly.

"Oh, oh wait!!!" Owen cried. "I 'member now. It was: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

They all tried vainly to figure out what he had just said, and when they realized they couldn't, cheered loudly in panic, thinking he must have meant well.

"So," Owen continued, feeling more confident, "I just wanna let you guys know that I've been planning to have a vacation, one that I'll probably never come back from. OK, bye-bye!" He suddenly vanished.

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Luke panicked, Wedge fanning him.

Everyone cheered loudly.

Up at Parcel-End, the gate mysteriously opened, and then the door did the same thing, shutting itself too.

Owen reappeared inside, feeling quite clever.

He was very much startled by the voice that intruded on his thoughts.

__

Luke, use the Force.

Oops, wrong one.

"What have we here?" said Obi-Wan. "Trying to get out of your party?"

Owen blinked. "Uh, I'm tired and just wanna go to bed now, so, uh…"

Obi-Wan didn't budge. "Are you still using that Ring?"

"No," lied Owen nervously, who wasn't very good at lying, but was good at ignoring evidence that he still had the Ring, like suddenly disappearing in the middle of his birthday party.

Obi-Wan tried to look nice and considerate and said, "Give it up, Owen."

"But I don't wanna!"

"Don't care." Obi-Wan held out an envelope. "In here. Now."

Owen sighed and dropped it in, suddenly imagining Obi-Wan as a giant motionless cucumber. Unfortunately for him, it didn't really take effect, because Owen wasn't a wizard.

Obi-Wan whisked it away and sealed it. "There. Now, about this vacation of yours. Where were you going again?"

"Uh, Rivendell."

"Right. The elves. Well, no doubt you'll like it there, especially due to the fact that they brew ale on occasion."

"Ooh." Owen smiled happily.

"But," Obi-Wan continued, "what of young Luke? Granted, he is very whiny, but he's going to miss you."

Owen's mouth twitched, then he shrugged. "He can come visit, if he wants."

The wizard shook his head. "He wouldn't be able to for long. You know the elves just hate whiners."

"Yes…I know. That's why I'm leaving him Parcel-End." Owen picked up a suitcase he had prepared. "Of course, I'm taking my cigars with me, but he can have everything else."

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. "That's all there is in there? Cigars?"

"Yes," Owen grunted, trying to lift the suitcase. "Oh, and some clothes."

Obi-Wan gave him an insightful look. "Owen."

…… "What?"

"Did you remember to pack—"

"Yes! I never forget underwear, and you know it!"

"Just checking."

"OK. Goodbye, Obi-Wan."

"Goodbye, Owen. Don't panic."

Then Owen left, being careful to shut the door behind him.

Obi-Wan sat back and stared at the envelope on the mantle, puffing away at his pipe.

Luke entered a few minutes later. "Uncle Owen! … Uncle Owen? Where are you?"

"He's left," called Obi-Wan, not moving from his position.

Luke scowled. "Why? I wanted to ask him—"

"Shut up," said Obi-Wan. "Your uncle's gone to Rivendell. He's left you Parcel-End, in case you wanted to know."

Luke lit up. "And his cigars?"

"Took them along."

Luke wilted. "Awwwwww…"

"Stop that, or I'll leave you here to die."

Luke shut up in panic.

"That's better," said Obi-Wan. "Now, I must introduce you to your mission of great importance."

"More important than cigars?"

"Yes."

"More important than ale?"

"Yes!!" (_Sithspawn_, Obi-Wan thought, _this guy's a minor, for crying out loud_.)

"More important than chocolate?"

……"No. Now shut up and listen. I have no idea why you would be the one to do this, of all people in Middle-earth, but for some reason that I can't comprehend, you're the one."

"The one to do what?"

Obi-Wan drew in a deep breath and suddenly looked very mysterious. "To return the Ring to More-Door and cast it down into the fires of Mount Doom, from whence it came."

"More-Door?" 

"Yes. M-O-R-E dash D-O-O-R. It's a multi-billion dollar specialty corporation. They make doors of all kinds. Their land takes up quite the area, though." Obi-Wan looked thoughtful. "It was actually a rather nice little valley, considered by many realtors as the ideal summer-home location. Thought of building one myself. Of course, now the valley's all polluted. Completely destroyed the ecosystem, with no thought to sustainability." He looked disgusted. "Wasteful." 

(-Little known fact #152763: all wizards possess some interest in biology.)

Luke looked bored. "So what if they make doors?"

"Each door has a substantial amount of explosives built into it. More-Door's plan is first to furnish every home with the ideal door, then make them all explode at once, the latter part of the plan being the more……secretive. Now, I know that in The Fellowship of the Ring, I go off and look stuff up in books. Well, here we're in luck. I did all my research already. The script on the Ring—"

Obi-Wan realized he was a bit ahead of himself as Luke looked more and more confused. 

"Oh, yes." He grabbed the envelope and tossed it into the fire.

"Hey!" Luke panicked, tried to take it out, and only succeeded in scorching his hand. "Yowch!"

Obi-Wan looked at the Ring intently, then picked it out of the fire with a huge pair of tweezers. "Hold out your hand." He dropped it onto Luke's palm.

Luke turned it over a few times. "It's not even hot." 

"Do you see anything?" asked Obi-Wan.

"Uh…yeah. Duh. A ring. And my hand. And the sliver I got last week…ooh, it's starting to fester—"

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "ON THE RING. Do you see anything appearing?"

"Uh…wait…it's some kinda script, I think."

"Good. Now, that script is an evil language that I shall not utter here, but it goes roughly, 'One Door to Rule them All, One Door to Find Them, One Door to Bring Them All and In the Darkness Vape Them.' "

"Hey, that's a nice poem," said Luke, not getting it. "What does it mean?"

The wizard was getting exasperated. "It means, you've got to destroy the Ring before someone evil finds it. The Ring is the key to making all the doors explode, and the Dark Lord will know how to use it. So you've got to destroy it before it gets to him, understand?"

"Yeah, I understand everything…except that part after you told me to shut up and listen."

Obi-Wan felt like wringing Luke's neck, but restrained himself and spent the next hour getting it into Skywalker's thick skull.

Suddenly, just as Obi-Wan finished, Wedge popped up at the window. "Hiiii!!!"

Obi-Wan grabbed him by the collar and dragged him onto the table. "Wedge Antilles, you little spy!!! Do you **ALL** do that 'hiiii' thing?!"

"Yup. Well, actually…uh, yeah."

Obi-Wan grimaced. "How much did you hear?" he hissed.

"Uh, just the part about a Ring, and the multi-billion dollar specialty corporation that sells explosive doors…gosh, I thought you were joking. You were joking, weren't you?"

"That's the thing, isn't it? No, I was **not joking**."

Wedge started to look more and more panicky. "You're not going to turn me into anything nasty, like a politician, are you?"

"Now, that's a good idea," remarked Obi-Wan ominously. Wedge started quivering. "No, I'm not going to turn you into a politician…not yet. I've got a better use for you."

"Uh-oh."

Mwahahahaaaa.

Like it? There's lots more…about 40 more pages so far. And I'm only just finished spoofing Fellowship!


	2. In Which Our Heroes Begin Their Epic and...

Yay, Chapter 2!!

Oh, yeah. If you, the Reader, do not understand something, assume it is an inside joke between me and my friends. If you so wish an explanation, ask via a review, and review my story while you're at it.

Here we go again.

Frodo…I mean Luke…had packed his bag and was now ready to leave Parcel-End along with Wedge…I mean Sam…no, I mean Wedge. 

And a good thing, too.

The Dark Lord had sent out his nine messengers to search for the ring. They were all Royal Guards, but they were designated the Seagûll because the Dark Lord was bored and had needed to give someone an interesting name.

So the Seagûll had spread out in the Shire and were currently searching for the Ring. They had no idea that the Ring was currently leaving the Shire, otherwise they probably would have, too.

Luke and Wedge had been instructed to meet Obi-Wan at an inn called the Panicking Pony over at the town that Obi-Wan had forgotten the name of, which was Bree by popular belief. Actually, the town had once been called Breeze, but people decided to drop the last two letters because there was never any wind there, making it a very inappropriate name.

So, to get there faster, Luke and Wedge cut through a bit of land that was owned by a nasty antisocial hobbit called Farmer Maggot. What parent would name their kid Maggot? Honestly. But anyway, the tall rows of corn hid them rather nicely from the mean farmer's view.

"Wait a minute." Luke stopped. "Did you hear something?"

Wedge cocked his head. "Uhh, you mean that apocalyptic rustling noise that's coming closer and closer, warning us of our feasibly imminent doom?"

"Yeah, that."

"Yeah, I hear it."

They panicked.

Suddenly two figures, coming out of the corn unexpectedly, crashed right into them, sending various kinds of garden produce all over the ground.

"Oh, hey, Luke. Hey, Wedgie," said Han, scrambling to pick up the dropped carrots and heads of lettuce.

"Will you stop calling me that?" complained Wedge.

"Sorry, Wedgie."

"Urrrrrrrrf, urfurfurf," Chewbacca laughed.

Luke shook his head. "Have you two been into Maggot's garden again?"

Han shrugged. "Maybe. What do you think?"

"No time," hissed Luke as the sound of angry Farmer Maggot drew closer.

"Run," suggested Wedge. They all thought that was an excellent idea.

Unfortunately, Maggot's agricultural property abruptly came to an end at the edge of a steep bank leading down to a dirt road.

They were unable to halt their momentum and tumbled down the slope, the lettuce, carrots and turnips following them closely, and all landed in a heap at the bottom.

[Oh,] remarked Chewie, looking at a not-so-far-off horse pie, [that was close.]

Han scrambled off and began re-gathering his vegetables.

Wedge munched on a carrot.

Luke found himself on the path, staring into the distant curve of the road. Suddenly the forest seemed to shrink in on him. He blinked and shook his head, reminding himself to take another pill at the next meal. 

"Look, mushrooms," called Han. The three hobbits started pigging out.

Something was wrong. "We have to get off the path," Luke said quietly, then more loudly, "Off the path! Quick!"

The others shrugged and, crossing the road, settled down in the crevice of a tree trunk, out of sight, still pigging out.

"_There's a disturbance in the Force_," Luke whispered, starting to panic.

They all looked at him strangely, their mouths filled with cauliflower. Then they looked at each other and shrugged.

A horse could be heard cantering down the path towards them. The three stopped eating and began to feel scared.

It was a bright red horse, and riding on it was a dude decked out in an identical shade of red. He floated off the horse to scan the area more closely.

Luke felt a sudden urge to put on the Ring. He searched his pocket for it.

Oh, right. He hadn't put it in his pocket.

He checked the chain at his neck.

No Ring.

__

Huh?

He looked in his other pocket. He looked in all his pockets, and resisted the urge to yell, **CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

He had forgotten the Ring at home.

**__**

PANIC!!!!!!!!!

AGH!!!! **LUKE!!!!!** **THIS WAS _NOT_ IN YOUR _SCRIPT!!!!!_**

"Sorry," he whispered. "Um, can I go back and get it?"

Well, I guess you'll just have to, now won't you? Sheesh. I try to narrate a story, and my characters just have to go and screw it all up. Now, thanks to you, Middle-earth is doomed. Oh, well, I guess that's just too bad, isn't it?

"Well, you could just make it…here…like all of a sudden…right?"

…*sigh* Fine.

Luke found the Ring in his pocket and was about to put it on when the Seagûll left.

"What was that?" Wedge asked, once it was safe.

"I dunno," Han exclaimed, "but he sure had _bad breath._ I mean, whoo, boy! What had **he** been eating, garlic pizza? Holy nerf, that was some evil smell!"

"Hrrrrrrnnnnn," Chewbacca agreed.

Luke rolled his eyes, but silently agreed. He had smelled it too, and he had been the farthest away. Actually, come to think of it, maybe the breath was what made them evil…

But anyway.

Luke sighed. "He was after the Ring."

Han rolled his eyes. "You mean that decoder one you got in the Froot Loops box when you were seven? Honestly, I thought you were past that stage!"

"No, not that one! I trashed it years ago!" (he secretly still kept it in his pocket, next to the little plastic soldier) "I'm talking about a different Ring. The One Ring."

They stared at him blankly.

He explained as much as had sunk in the previous night.

They shrugged and decided to get on with life, and come with him on his quest. Besides, who ever went on _quests?_ It sounded very exciting to a bunch of hobbits who had never been out of the Shire, but instead spent all afternoon discussing the varieties of wild strawberries in the comfort of their living room.

"Ooo," said Han, finding a bush. "Wild strawberries."

Chewbacca, Luke, and Wedge tackled him and started pigging out.

Meanwhile Obi-Wan was walking toward a really big tower that was all black and pretty and had various balconies and pointless little hook-like decorations all over it.

The Head Wizard Guy came out to meet him.

"Hello," said Obi-Wan.

"Hiiii!!!" said the Head Wizard Guy, who happened to be Darth Vader the White. Goodness knows why he's called Darth Vader the _White_. I mean, Saruman is Saruman the White, but, _honestly_…oh well. All for the sake of the plot, though, I guess.

Obi-Wan resisted the urge to kill his leader. "Does **everybody** have to do that?"

"What, say "hiiii"? It's a mandatory part of life, I suppose. I was just heading out for a nice little pointless walk around Isengard. Would you like to come along?" 

"Certainly. I have something that I wish to discuss with you."

Vader paused for a moment as they began walking. "The Ring?" he guessed at random.

"Yes, actually. It's been found."

"By whom?" Vader was getting noticeably more excited.

"A young hobbit named…oh, why does it matter?" Obi-Wan cut himself off. "Anyway, he's on his way to destroy it. A most determined young hobbit, I must say," he said, crossing his fingers behind his back. "Completely unafraid and uncomplaining."

Vader watched him curiously. "What're you doing?"

Obi-Wan uncrossed his fingers. "Nothing."

"OK. So, a brave young hobbit is off to destroy the Ring." Vader chuckled (I can't imagine him chuckling…can you?). "Shouldn't the task be assigned to someone more responsible, more reliable?"

Obi-Wan considered. "Naahhh. I'll be assisting him as much as possible, at any rate."

"I see."

They ended up inside the tower after a nice little bit of small talk concerning shrubbery in the shape of squirrels, of which there were several on the lawn.

"OK." Vader turned to Obi-Wan. "I just got a revised version of my script the second before you showed up, so…uh…just a second." He scanned over his script quickly. "Huh? Oh, well. Prepare to die if you don't turn evil." He scratched his helmet. "Did I say that right?"

Sure.

"OK." 

Obi-Wan blinked, rather surprised, as the three or four doors in the room (I never kept count) slammed shut. "But…I'm not supposed to turn evil, am I?"

Someone knocked at one of the doors. Vader went to get it. 

"Hello?"

It was a mail dude. "Hey, man. I've got something here for an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Is that you, dude?"

Vader pointed to the wizard standing bewildered in the middle of the room. 

"Oh, OK." The mail dude walked over and handed Obi-Wan his package.

"Um…thanks." Obi-Wan turned it over, looking for a return address.

The mail dude held out a clipboard. "Sign here, dude."

Obi-Wan signed with a pen he suddenly had, then began ripping open the package as the mail dude left.

"Ooh, it's my new script!!!" Obi-Wan quickly read through the scene. 

Vader watched anxiously. "Well? Do you turn evil?"

"Uh…no."

"**_SHEET!!!!!_**" Vader pointed at Obi-Wan, who cringed and then slammed into the wall.

The wizard fight scene had begun. Well, actually, it was sort of one-sided.

SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!

Vader finally noticed that Obi-Wan was long unconscious and stopped slamming him against the wall. He dragged him over to the turbolift and sent him up to the top of Orthanc. 

Finally, after many arguments over edible growing things found in the woods, Luke, Wedge, Han, and Chewbacca made it to Bree(ze).

Luke pounded on the door. "Let us in!!" he whined. "It's cold and dark and rainy out here!! I wanna go iiiiiinnnn!!!!!"

The gatekeeper irritably opened a little panel at his eye level. Seeing nothing, he wondered if it was ghosts or hobbits, and decided to check by looking through the panel at a hobbit's eye level.

Sure enough, it was hobbits, though one of them was remarkably furry.

"I don't like whiners," the gatekeeper whined. "Why did you have to come here? What if I don't wanna let you in?"

"Then he'll outwhine you," shouted Han. "Go on, kid."

Luke shrugged and took a deep breath. "WWAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! I JUST WANNA GO HOOOOME!!! IT SUCKS HERE!!!!!! WHY DID WE HAVE TO COME WITH STUPID LEMBAS BREAD???!!!??! I DON'T CARE IF THAT ISN'T PART OF THE STORY YET!!! WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

The gatekeeper hastily unlatched the gate. "All right, all right," he complained. "Why did you have to be so loud?"

"Good idea," Wedge whispered to Han.

"Thanks, Wedgie."

"Stop it," Wedge whined, Luke having rubbed off on him a little. Han gave him a shove.

They wandered the streets for a few hours, then decided to look for the Panicking Pony. This proved to be another difficulty, since hobbits were not used to looking for signs so far above their heads. Eventually, though, they caught on and found the Panicking Pony's front door, a few meters away from the gate.

Inside was a rather high desk. Luke cleared his throat. "HEY PERSON!!!!"

The person he was referring to looked around, surprised, then thought maybe it was a hobbit and looked down. Sure enough, there stood four hobbits, though one was remarkably furry.

"We want a room," said Han, making sure to take over so Luke didn't ruin the situation by whining. "Anything hobbit-sized?"

The receptionist or whatever he was grinned. "Sure. On the 152763rd floor."

They groaned.

Han butted in again. "Anything on the, say, second floor?"

"Yup, but it's human-sized."

"We'll manage," said Han, and put a bunch of carrots on the counter. "On the name Overkill." He looked pointedly at Luke, who understood, and was actually instructed to go as Mr. Overkill by Obi-Wan, even though the Narrator hadn't put that in yet, but…whatever.

The receptionist looked at the carrots, sniffed at them, nodded, and placed a key on the counter, and wondered, _Is that name some sort of cruel joke?_

Han pocketed the key. "OK, guys, we got ourselves a room. Now, let's get some ale!!"

"Yeah!!!!" the others cried enthusiastically.

Han found a table, and he, Luke, and Wedge sat at it, Chewie off somewhere.

Chewie returned shortly with a huge mug full of frothy liquor.

"What's that?" Wedge asked in awe.

[This, my friend, is a pint,] Chewie explained dreamily.

Han and Wedge scrambled up eagerly. 

"Oh, I want one of those!!"

"Wait for me!!"

Luke watched them race off, then toyed with the Ring that hung on the chain about his neck.

Sometime during the course of the evening, he glanced over and saw Wedge talking with someone.

"Oh, yeah, we came along with Luke Skywalker over there…" He babbled on.

Luke panicked and put on the Ring.

Everything went weird all of a sudden.

Oh, so you want more of a description? Fine. It was darker, yet he could still see all right. It was windy and cold, even though he was still in the inn.

Wherever each one was, all nine of the Seagûll turned and started galloping toward Bree(ze).

Luke saw a big black door, far away and yet too close. The door was flaming. He couldn't make out what it was whispering, so he yelled, "WHAAAAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!"

The door somehow rolled its nonexistent eyes and repeated loudly, "I **SAAIIID**, IF YOU WERE LISTENING, YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD WHAT I SAID, BUT IT'S TOO LATE NOW, ISN'T IT? I JUST TRY AND TRY, BUT NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO FLAMING BLACK DOORS ANYMORE!!! WHAT'S _WITH_ THAT? I MEAN,—"

Luke cut off the door's spiel by pulling off the Ring and found himself hiding under a table. He scrambled out and brushed himself off. No one seemed to notice him, which was probably good…

Uh-oh. The black-cloaked figure he had seen sitting alone in a corner earlier now grabbed his arm and pulled him up the narrow set of stairs. The waiter-person had said people called this guy Strider, or something. A Ranger, supposedly.

Oh, well. Whatever he was, he wasn't being that friendly. Time to panic.

Luke was dragged into a different room than his own and shoved down on the floor while the cloaked guy went around the room, snuffing candles with his fingers. 

"Oh, **OW!!!!**" The stranger nursed his index finger and thumb after not quite achieving this with the last candle. 

Luke watched him curiously, still feeling a tad panicked.

The stranger sucked on his finger for a moment, then shrugged and threw back his hood.

Luke gaped. "Han?! How'd you get so…tall?"

The stranger stared at him. "How'd you know my name?"

After a moment of confusion, Luke determined that the Ranger was not his hobbit friend Han, but rather a human version that somehow looked exactly the same and had the same name, as well. It just got stranger and stranger as he looked at the Ranger. Stranger…Ranger…hmm. The Narrator made a rhyme.

Wedge, hobbit Han, and Chewie charged in the door and stopped in total surprise. Hobbit Han fainted. Human Han had to go and open the window for a moment. Chewie was in absolute bewilderment. Wedge groaned. _Two_ Hans, now. Great.

A little while later, everyone was back to their normal conscious self, and the two Hans couldn't stop staring at each other.

Human Han thought for a while, then pointed at hobbit Han. "You aren't _called_ Han, are you?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm Han," responded hobbit Han.

Human Han thought again. "Have we met?"

"I don't think so…wait a minute…uh, nope."

The taller Han sighed and shrugged. "I guess we'll just have to live with it."

"Uh…I guess."

Everyone stood in silence for a moment. 

Wedge remembered what they were there for. "Oh, yeah. Unhand that hobbit, longshanks!!"

Han the human gave them an amused glance, then looked briefly out the window. "Well, I'd guess we haven't got long before they arrive."

"Who?" Luke wondered. 

"Why, the Seagûll, of course. They'll be rather annoyed when they discover you've got the Ring and are trying to destroy it." Han paused. "That _is _what you're trying to do, isn't it?"

Luke nodded dumbly.

Yoda suddenly poofed out of nowhere. "No! Do or do not! There is no try!"

"Shut up," they all yelled.

Yoda disappeared in a cloud of smoke with a loud _bang_ that startled them.

"Right," said human Han. "Let's get moving."

The gatekeeper peered irritably out of the peephole. No one had come to visit today except for those annoying hobbits. He hated hobbits. Hobbits were a virus.

Suddenly four bright red horses came up on the path and started banging on the gate. His eyes widened as the entire gate toppled over on top of him.

Splat. The four horses rode into Bree(ze), carrying four red riders.

The Seagûll dismounted with a bit of trouble (#6 got his foot caught in his stirrup) and floated into the Panicking Pony. They asked the receptionist rather nicely where four hobbits were, got their answer and floated upstairs.

Now, Seagûll were not very good with numbers. The hobbits' room had been 152763. The Seagûll went to room 153762, and knocked on the door, which was a very pretty-like nice door from the company More-Door. Thus they could not resist knocking on it.

The door sllllllowwwwly opened. The Seagûll held their breath.

IT WAS THE **CLEAVAGE DEMON!!!!! _PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**" they screamed in absolute horror, and floated away as fast as they could.

The Cleavage Demon shrugged and closed the door carefully (which happened to be a very nice door, if I do say so myself).

The Seagûll killed the receptionist, then looked up the hobbits and found the receptionist had been right, after all. Oh, well, a bit late for that now. They floated back up, to room 152763.

Resisting the compelling urge to knock on another beautiful door, they broke it down with profuse apologies and drew their swords.

Each of the four man-sized beds had a small hobbit-sized lump under the blankets.

STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! 

After finally determining that they were not stabbing hobbits, the Seagûll threw off the covers. 

A fat teddy bear was under each cover.

The Seagûll all screamed unintelligibly and decided their GPS system had led them astray. They trashed their GPS thingies and floated moodily out of the inn and back onto their horses (#6, who had gotten caught in his stirrup previously and was still not having a good day, missed his horse entirely and smashed into a wall).

Luke, Wedge, hobbit Han, Chewie, and human Han all sighed in relief, being in a different room.

Human Han looked thoughtful, then announced, "Tomorrow we're going to Rivendell."

[Is it anything like Riven?] asked Chewie, who adored PC and console games. He had an Xbox, Gamecube, Playstation 2, and a Pentium 4 desktop at home with the latest in technology, all of which he missed dearly.

"No, it's not like Riven," answered human Han, who somehow also understood Shyriiwook (the Wookiee language that this certain hobbit spoke for some odd reason). "It's a ravine with lots of pretty trees and buildings and elves and—" He broke off, blushing furiously.

"Ohhhhh," said the hobbits slyly, getting it. "_Pretty_ elves."

"Shut up," muttered human Han.

"What's her name?" blurted Wedge, forgetting that discretion is the better part of valor.

Human Han glared at him, then sighed wistfully. "Leia."

They all giggled, then shut up as human Han gave them a glare of DEATH.

Wedge looked like he was going to say something again when Luke kicked him. He thought better of it and shut up.

OK. Could I have your attention here for a minute? I'm just going to put a change in effect. Hobbit Han will be Han A, since he arrived in the story first, and human Han will be Han B. 

Actually, forget it. I'll just leave it like it was before.

OK, that's it. Thanks for your time. We're going to move back to the story now. Ready?

*poof*

Well, that was painless. You can all go home now.

Just kidding.

Anyway, the next morning presented the fact that the Seagûll were nowhere in sight of the Panicking Pony. So Luke, Wedge, hobbit Han, human Han, and Chewie decided to continue the trip to More-Door, via Rivendell.

[I prefer to think of it as more of an adventure than a trip, a wholesome experience for the mind,] commented Chewie, who now wanted to play Myst and Riven and Exile all over again.

"Yeah, whatever," said hobbit Han, who wanted to drink ale.

After a while of walking, they came into a country that looked very flat. The hobbits immediately became bored, because they were used to lots of nice rolling hills and trees. But this…well, it was about as exciting as being trapped in a library entirely consisting of maudlin, insipid romance novels. Yechhh.

"Where are we?" Luke whined. "It's so flat and boring and stupid here. Why did we have to go this way? I don't like it here. Why can't we—"

"**SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**" yelled human Han, very annoyed. "I don't really like it here either, but it was either this or the long way around, with Orcs. This land's called Saskatchewan."

"Why does it have such a funny name if it's so boring?" wondered Wedge.

"I don't see why it has to have a name at all," complained Luke. "Why would someone even bother to come here and name it…_Sarzkitchewywarn,_ if it's so boring and flat? What's it good for? Why is it even part of Middle-earth?"

"It's not," interrupted human Han, hoping to keep Luke quiet. "It's part of an obscure country called Canada that somehow extends into Middle-earth. We skipped customs because that would take too long." _Americans,_ he thought, not remembering that Harrison Ford is from Chicago. That's what someone told the Narrator, anyway.

"So we're illegal immigrants?" said Wedge, not really sure if he liked that idea.

"Oh, don't worry, Wedgie," broke in hobbit Han. "What kind of a police force would patrol here? It's not like anyone would be stupid enough to travel across this place."

They all laughed…then realized they were laughing at themselves.

"Why does that always seem to happen to me?" sputtered Luke.

Hobbit Han jokingly shoved him. "It's 'cause you're such an easy target, Pluke."

Everyone laughed again while Luke pouted.

Obi-Wan woke up somewhere windy and thought that he must not be at Bree for that reason. _Crap, I'm supposed to meet them at Bree. Those two hobbits… um…oh, yes. Luke and Wedge. Right._

He gradually wondered why he was thinking so slowly, then realized he had been thrown on top of a tower. 

A really big and tall tower. What was its name again? Oh, yeah. Orthanc, in Isengard.

He got up dizzily and looked around. _Nice panoramic view, at any rate._

What was he doing there?

The fight. Or rather, his thrashing. He winced in painful memory. Kind of embarrassing, for a wizard. 

"HEY, MOTH," he yelled to a passing moth. It flew up to him inquisitively. 

"Tell the Eagle King to come," said Obi-Wan. "Remind him he owes me for that latte last month."

The moth somehow nodded and flew off.

End of Chapter 2! Tune in next time to read about more bizarre happenings in the land of Middle-earth!

Oh, yeah. I'll give you an explanation about the Cleavage Demon. She was a character that appeared in the anime movie series Magic Knights, which I watched in Japanese with English subtitles. Very Fun! And her costume is as the nickname we gave her suggests. Sorry…I forget her real name.


	3. In Which The Topography Is Messed Up Con...

Here's the next chapter. I almost kinda sorta forgot about it, then my friend Lindo (not her real name) sent an email and pointed a finger accusingly at me.

So…here's some more. Sorry it took so darned long.

Our brave travelers then came upon Weathertop, the watchtower on the hill, and proceeded to build a bonfire, so intelligent were they.

Unfortunately for the Seagûll, their visors were opaque, and while #6 thought he smelled fire, the others disagreed, said it was only his imagination, and duct-taped him to a tree. The others had forgotten, of course, that dead-but-not-quite people such as the Seagûll _had_ no imagination as they had no_ medulla oblongata_ (tap your head. Inside is your_ medulla oblongata,_ hopefully), and therefore #6 must have been right about the fire. Oh, well. 

The five on Weathertop roasted marshmallows and told horror stories until it was way past their bedtime, so they spanked themselves for being naughty, called Social Services, filled out child abuse forms, and resumed roasting marshmallows and telling horror stories. 

"Once," began human Han, "there was a door-peddler that traveled along civilized lands."

The hobbits' eyes widened in horror and panic as they listened.

"This door-peddler," continued Han, "was the main marketer of the corporation whose name I shall not utter here. He had destroyed an entire village when he was suddenly incapacitated—"

"Incarcerated," interrupted Jandalf, who had suddenly appeared to correct people who made literary mistakes.

Human Han was so annoyed at this, he completely forgot about anything else, including the rest of the story. The hobbits were so overcome by the sudden appearance and disappearance of a strange orange wizard that they had never seen before that they hid under their marshmallows in panic.

Thus their night passed without much occurrence. 

Well…almost.

~~~

Seagûll #6 realized his script had backfired. After he managed to get himself out of the duct tape, he went to the others and calmly screamed at them about what they were supposed to do.

The other Seagûll checked their scripts, screamed, had a nice bout of panic, then settled in for the ride back to Weathertop.

~~~

Luke randomly woke up at about four in the morning. Annoyed that his brain would do such a thing to him, he decided to take a little walk around the top of the watchtower, then go back to sleep.

As he was passing one of the windows…

OK. Let me reword that. As he was passing one of the wide-open spaces that were separated only by a few pillars, he saw about four blobs of red moving closer. 

Or, more accurately, closer to where he and the others were.

He thought of panicking, but decided there would be plenty of time for that after he woke the others up. So he woke them all up, then let himself panic.

"Don't panic," said human Han, panicking.

The Seagûll started to climb the hill, grunting and panting because they were rather out of shape, being almost-dead-but-not-quite.

Human Han drew his sword as the hobbits panicked because they realized they didn't have any swords.

"Get some burning branches from the fire!!" shouted human Han. "The Seagûll are afraid of it!!"

"Why?! They're bright red!!!"

"I don't know!!! Just do!!"

Chewie bravely grabbed a brand and chucked it at one of the Seagûll, which happened to be unlucky #6 again. #6 fell screaming down the hill in flames while his three pals advanced, screaming unintelligibly.

Wedge, hobbit Han, and Chewie swung brands around at #7 in blind panic while human Han dueled with #3, ignoring the fact the his sword was broken off a foot away from the hilt, which impeded his success somewhat…

Luke backed up to one of the spindly pillars as Seagûll #1 approached him menacingly, screaming something that sounded like _gimme gimme gimme gimme!!!_

"**NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**" Luke screamed, and put on the Ring.

Everything went weird again. Luke could now see under the Seagûll's mask. His face looked like a politician. Luke was horribly afraid of politicians. He panicked as the Seagûll jabbed him with a doomy-looking toothpick.

Human Han started tickling #3, who screamed in anguish and jumped off the cliff. The hobbits helped him to arson #1, who followed #3 down the cliff, screaming even louder, if that was possible.

They danced around for a little while, overwhelmed by their success and pyromania, then remembered Luke.

Luke pulled off the Ring, in great pain.

"Mr. Luke!!!!" cried Wedge.

"Quick!" said human Han. "We've got to get him out of here. He's been pricked with the Toothpick of Doom, a foul weapon straight out of More-Door!!!"

The hobbits panicked and picked Luke up, who was thrashing and mumbling something about Spam.

The hobbits wondered at this.

"If we don't get him to Rivendell in time," explained human Han as they panicked along, "he'll turn into an evil block of Spam!!"

The hobbits panicked some more and ran faster. 

Suddenly a horse pulled up beside them. They panicked then realized it was not red.

Human Han looked up at the rider in joy. "Leia!!!"

She was about to respond when she fell off the horse and got beamed up by Snotty because she does not belong there. The Narrator has decided to follow the book's course of action for now, much to human Han's dismay.

The rider was a male elf, and somehow managed to swing all of them up on the horse. Since the Narrator cannot at the moment think of a Star Wars character that her friends know of to replace Glorfindel, we'll just put a Rogue Squadron pilot suit on our friend and leave him there.

"Hiii!!!!" said Glorfindel cheerily.

Fortunately for him, Obi-Wan was elsewhere at the moment. 

"Hiiii!!!!" replied hobbit Han, Luke, and Wedge.

"Urrrrf!!!" replied Chewie.

Human Han just sighed with disappointment.

"What's wrong?" asked Glorfindel.

"Well, you wouldn't really understand, but…you're not as pretty as Leia."

Glorfindel glared at him. "Am too!! In a machismo sort of way."

Human Han rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Machismo for an Elf, pretty boy." He imitated the Elf's voice. "I'm so machismo, I use Herbal Essences!"

Glorfindel nearly shoved the Ranger off the horse. "Quit joking around. We need to get the Halfling to Rivendell before nightfall."

Everyone giggled at this, even Luke.

"Whaaaat??" Glorfindel glared at them, not getting it.

Human Han almost fell off the horse. "Before nightfall? (much laughter) It's two o-clock AM, Morning Glory."

"QUIT THAT!!!!!!!!!" Glorfindel bawled. 

~~~

Obi-Wan drummed his fingers impatiently. It was taking the Eagle King long enough, to be sure.

Finally he saw the shadowy form swoop in on him. 

He jumped off the side. The Eagle King dove under him.

They flew off, rather gloriously, though no one really saw them.

~~~

The hobbits, human Han, and Glorfindel raced along in the dawn light. The horse was getting very tired, bearing the weight of approximately 3 or 4 average-sized creatures.

"OK," shouted Glorfindel, "Almost there!"

They hurriedly crossed a wide shallow stream that was enclosed by high cliff walls.

The Seagûll arrived at the other side a second later.

Glorfindel pulled up to a black panel set in the stone cliff by the path. It seemed to be an intercom.

"Inhabitants of Rivendell!!" he yelled into it. "Flush all toilets!! Repeat, flush all toilets!!!"

Human Han stared at him in incredulous accusation. "And you always said that was magic."

The Elf grinned impudently.

The clustered Seagûll were swept away by an enormous surge of water. No, it was not sewage.

"We Elves are more immortal than you might think," explained Glorfindel. "We don't ever have to go, even though we do eat. Don't ask; we don't really know how that works, either. We just keep the washrooms for visitors."

~~~

The hobbits arrived at an instant conclusion upon entering the valley; human Han was right about one thing. The buildings sure were pretty.

Han was looking for something else, though. Er…someone else.

The hobbits noticed his behavior and started giggling.

He threw a glance back at them that read _shut up or I'll push you off the horse._

Chewie let out one more snort, then it was over.

Glorfindel took out a long-range radio. "Farmer in the Dell, this is Heedless Horseman, over."

A voice crackled in that was familiar to human Han. "Heedless Horseman, you have Farmer in the Dell, over."

"Intercepted our expected guests, bringing them in, over."

"Copy that, Horseman. We'll have a stall in the stable ready. Over and out."

Glorfindel put the radio back in his pocket. "Righto."

~~~

They came to a halt outside the stable grounds. Glorfindel hopped off and helped down the hobbits while human Han jumped off and stretched.

"OK, then." Glorfindel pointed down a wide hall. "You five go down there and whoever you meet first…well, whatever." He walked off with the horse.

The hobbits exchanged confused glances as human Han started down the hall, then they followed him. He looked a bit worried.

[What's wrong?] Chewie asked.

"Aw…nothing." 

The door opened. Han halted in his tracks, the hobbits colliding behind him.

"Hey!!"

"What's going on?"

[Ow!!]

"Let's keep life moving, longshanks!"

"Shut up," he grated, as the new person approached them.

The two stared at each other.

The new Elf spoke first, his arms crossed. "You slimy double-crossing no good swindler. You got a lot of guts, coming here, after what you pulled."

Han raised his eyebrows.

The Elf walked up closer and jerked up his fists.

Han flinched.

The Elf started laughing and hugged him. "How ya doin', you old pirate? So good to see ya!!"

"Lando," muttered Han, "You've got to stop watching those movies."

"Sorry," said Lando, stepping back. He looked down behind Han. "I suppose that's the Ringbearer and his co-conspirators."

Luke eyed Lando dubiously.

"Actually," piped up Wedge, "we're saving Middle-earth."

Lando grinned broadly. "Right."

Luke collapsed on the floor.

Everyone panicked, except for Lando, who had no idea that Luke had been pricked with a Toothpick of Doom.

Human Han swept Luke up and ran for a medic.

~~~

It was several days later when Luke finally became aware of a vague blur of light. "Whhaaa?" he groaned. "Where 'm I? Wha' time izzit?"

He heard a sound much like the riffling of the pages of a daily planner. "Hmm, let's see. Ah. It's the twenty-first of October, ten o-clock in the morning, if you want to know."

Luke woke right away. "Obi-Wan!!"

The wizard sat beside his bed. "Who were you expecting? The Tooth Fairy?"

"Uh…no. Should I have been?"

Obi-Wan sighed at Luke's slowness. "Welcome back to the world of the mostly living."

"What do you mean, mostly?"

……"Never mind that." He put away his daily planner. "We've been waiting for you to wake up for nigh on three days now. Well…_some _have been waiting." He sighed wistfully. "You were actually quite close to death…"

Luke shuddered. "What would have happened then?"

"Oh, I don't know. Very likely we'd all be doomed, and there would never ever be any more chocolate."

They both grew very silent at the thought.

"But," continued Obi-Wan, brightening up, "let's not talk of such things here. Wedge is waiting for you outside, along with Han and Chewbacca."

"Which Han?"

"Uh…both, I think."

"Oh. OK, I'll be right up."

~~~

Soon after, the council was held on Lando's circular deck that had a beautiful view of the ravine and only served to distract the meeting's members from the discussion at hand.

Obi-Wan was there with Luke, along with human Han. It had been decided that it would be better if the other three hobbits would stay out of the council. 

The others were not limited to but included the Dwarf Watto, son of another Dwarf originally named Gloin in LOTR but not here, the Elf-prince Isolder from Mirkwood, and another human, Anakin of Gondor, who kept stealing strange glances at Luke.

(-Comment on Prince Isolder, who is actually the prince of Hapes in Star Wars: the Narrator used him because the Narrator could not think of anyone else for the moment. Imagine him as a tall hot blonde guy, which he is supposed to be in Star Wars anyway. If you have any more questions, ask me.)

Lando started off the meeting by commenting on how nice the day was, and that the double chocolate fudge cake of DEATH that they had had after supper had been exceptionally fatal today.

Everyone nodded in approval and murmured their agreement.

"Right, then," he continued. "Everyone knows why we're here. So—"

"Um," interrupted Isolder, "actually, I don't know why I'm here."

Watto put up his hand. "Uhhhmmm, me neither."

"Yeah," commented Anakin. "Why are we here?"

At this, the rest of the party started looking very confused.

Lando sighed eloquently. "We are here to discuss the fate of the Ring."

Isolder again. "What Ring?"

"You know, the One Ring. The Ring of Power," Luke offered.

Isolder gave him a blank stare.

Obi-Wan and Lando sighed simultaneously and Obi-Wan spent the next two and a half hours telling them the story, answering questions, repeating the story, and answering more questions.

Then story-time was finally over.

Unfortunately for Obi-Wan, Isolder had spent the entire time looking at Leia, who was sitting beside Lando, so the wizard shouted the key points at him rather angrily, and Isolder got it.

Obi-Wan sat back in his deck chair and wearily rubbed his temples. "Right, that's done. Now, Luke, if you will?"

Luke stood and put the Ring down on the top of the stone pedestal that sat in the middle of the group.

Watto and Anakin moved their coffee cups, and then everyone could see it.

"Ooh," said Isolder. "What's that?"

Another two hours passed, in which young Isolder learned a different sort of history lesson by the means of an enraged wizard.

Then story-time was _actually_ finally over.

"So," repeated Lando once everyone was sitting again, "what do we do with the Ring?"

They all sat in silence, staring at the little bit of smoke rising from Obi-Wan's head.

Then Watto the Dwarf snorted. "It's just a Ring, we have these all the time in the junkyards. I'll destroy it!!" And with this, he proceeded to pour his bottom-of-the-pot coffee over the Ring.

The coffee left the Ring unscathed, but ate away at the stone pedestal until the Ring was sitting on a little molten lump of granite.

Lando covered his eyes and shook his head.

Luke was rolling in agony, trying to get the flaming door out of his head.

Obi-Wan raised his voice over the ruckus. "There is no way to destroy it, except for casting it back into Mount Doom."

"And that's in More-Door, right?" cut in Anakin. "So someone's going on a suicide mission?"

"No," said Obi-Wan, "_I'll_ not be going on a suicide mission. Of course," he looked pointedly at Anakin, "whether or not it will be a suicide mission depends entirely on the ingenuity of the one on the mission."

"Oooh, burrrrrn," Lando said appreciatively.

Anakin's face reddened, and he blurted, "Can we please get back on the subject at hand?"

Everyone except for Obi-Wan and Luke got the sudden urge to stand up and argue. So they did, shouting things regarding who would take the Ring to More-Door.

Luke saw the Ring. The Ring saw Luke. Well, figuratively speaking, of course…anyway, Luke knew the Ring was causing the dispute, so he stood up and said loudly, "I will take the Ring to More-Door."

No one heard him over the noise of their own voices.

He shouted now. "I WILL TAKE THE RING TO MORE-DOOR!!!"

They quieted and turned around to stare at him.

"Though," he added softly, "I do not know the way."

Everyone looked at each other. They had not been expecting this, for a mere hobbit to offer to be the Ringbearer. Then they shrugged. Who were they kidding? None of them really wanted to face the Ringbearer's perils, anyway. But, reasoned some, they might as well look brave.

Isolder decided to be the first to look brave. "Aw, I guess I'll go with you."

Watto was not about to be left out. "And me!!"

Han did not just look brave, he was feeling brave. "And I, as well." (Can you picture him saying that? Heeheehee!!)

Anakin stood up somewhat reluctantly. "Count me in."

Wedge suddenly scrambled over the railing of the deck, to everyone's surprise, and ran over to Luke's side. "You're not going anywhere without me, Mr. Luke!!"

"I thought this was supposed to be a secret meeting," remarked Obi-Wan.

Hobbit Han and Chewie ran out from a doorway where they had been eavesdropping. "We're coming too!!"

The group of nine clustered together.

Lando took out his camera and coined the phrase "Kodak moment". _Click!!_

They were off.

[Great,] said Chewie enthusiastically. [So, where're we going?]

~~~

A WEEK LATER…

~~~

"Owwww," complained Luke as he picked another thorn from his foot. 

Everyone else ignored him and kept walking.

"Hey, guys, wait up!"

Kept walking.

"Waiiiit!!"

Kept walking.

"STOP!!!"

Wedge turned around and helped him up.

Luke muttered under his breath.

"Hey, Mr. Luke, what do they call a quarter-pound cheeseburger in Elvish?" Wedge said, trying to cheer his master up.

Isolder (who, if you'll remember, was an Elf) didn't get it. "Why does everyone keep asking that?"

Watto snickered. "Outmian. Wermo stoopa."

"WHAT?" said Isolder, turning on him. He wanted to trip Watto for speaking in Huttese, but…tripping Watto usually proved to be rather difficult, especially because he was in mid-air all the time.

"I didn't say nothing," Watto snarled.

"Chess ko (careful), Watto," tsked Jandalf, who had suddenly appeared again to clear up literary errors. "You use another double negative and I'll turn you into a politician."

Watto cringed.

Jandalf disappeared in a cloud of orange smoke.

Everyone sneezed as the powdered Tang entered their nostrils.

"Phew." Human Han shook his head. "Next stop, Lothlórien."

Isolder lit up at this and started walking faster.

Han cleared his throat.

Isolder disappeared around a bend in the path.

"HEY, PRETTY BOY!!!!" shouted Han.

Isolder appeared again, his face beet-red. "**WHAT???!!!???!!?**"

"That's the wrong path." Han pointed to the left fork, instead of the right one that Isolder was headed down.

The Elf rejoined the group in a huff.

~~~

A few days later, some nicer trees started to appear on the landscape. Everyone appreciated this, even Anakin and Watto. Isolder was looking more bouncy than ever, and Luke (surprisingly) was whining less often.

"Now," said human Han in a low voice to the others, "when we enter these woods, we all must use British quotation marks, by preference of the Lady."

"What do you mean, British quotation marks?" asked Luke, confused.

'You must use ones like this,' he explained.

"But that's just weird," griped Luke. "What's the point?"

"Don't question the Lady of the Woods," warned Isolder.

[OK,] quipped Chewie, [then what do I do? I don't use quotation marks, period.]

Han thought about this. "Well, just keep on doing what you're doing, and she'll let us know if she wants it different."

They all agreed on this. 

Soon after, they had entered the Wood. 

'OK, everyone,' human Han whispered encouragingly. 'Just keep your eyes peeled. They always show up for visitors sooner or later.'

Watto was grumbling again. "I don't see why we have to visit these dumb Elves anyway. We should have gone to Dwarves."

They were immediately surrounded by Elves who pointed long sharp-looking spears and arrows at them.

The lead Elf spoke in a loud commanding voice. 'Does the Dwarf not know of the custom of these Woods? Double quotation marks are not permitted under any circumstance.'

Human Han rolled his eyes in annoyance. 'I educated him on the fact already, but evidently he paid no attention.' _I hate getting off on the wrong foot,_ he thought.

'Well, sor_ry,_' Watto muttered.

'Blindfold them,' the lead Elf said to the rest. 'The Lady shall decide what to do with them.'

Luke found a cloth bound around his eyes. He almost panicked, but was starting to learn self-control (finally).

The path they took was winding and very confusing. Luke didn't even try to remember their movements. It was like trying to remember the erratic flight of a blind barn swallow that has been in a washing machine on spin cycle and is on caffeine. That's the impression Luke got, anyway. Which posed an interesting question: were these people Elves…or caffeinated blind barn swallows? Visually, one couldn't be too sure…but he decided to assume they were Elves for the moment.

After a length of time, they were called to a halt and the blindfolds were swept off.

Chewie suddenly howled in pain and yelled, [WHAT SORT OF IDIOT WOULD TIE MY HEADFUR INTO THE KNOT???!!!??!!?!?!?!?]

One of the Elves cringed and decided not to answer, because even though Chewbacca was very short, he looked formidable enough.

Hobbit Han helped Chewie get his fur out of the tangled blindfold with the help of a discreet pair of Swiss army knife scissors.

'There,' said hobbit Han. 'Now you just have a bad haircut. Again.'

Chewie glared at him, remembering the embarrassing visit to the stylist's in grade 2.

Then, as everyone randomly remembered something, they all gasped.

'**OH** **_NOOOOOOOO!!!!_**' cried human Han. '**WE'RE DOING THIS IN THE _WRONG ORDER!!!!!!_**' He threw himself to the ground in despair.

Obi-Wan tried to calm him down. 'Sit up and drink this.'

Han obeyed and gulped down a new drink that was calming, called iced tea. 'We were supposed to go into Moria **first**.'

Obi-Wan looked sort of sheepish. 'Yeah…I know.'

Everyone looked at him suspiciously. 

The wizard shrugged. 'Well…I had a word with the Narrator, and she agreed to let me live a little longer and go through Lothlórien.'

They looked astonished. 

'How could you mess up the story?' Luke shouted at me.

Well, sor_ry._ I try to be nice and everyone wants the poor wizard to die. I suppose I could just kill him now, if you want, and save you guys the trouble of going through the mines and Khazad-dûm.

Obi-Wan blinked. 'What? I'd get killed, just like that? You are a bleeding ungrateful Narrator, you know that? I give you all my Frequent Flyer miles, and what do I get?'

Hey, buddy, I'd watch it if I were you. You're about half a dimension closer to doom. And, didn't they teach you in wizard school never to strike a deal with Narrators? We're typically quite unstable, and generally listen to the unanimous hearings of our characters.

'Pleasepleasepleaseplease keep me alive!!! Just a little while more, until I have to go?'

Welllll……OK. You'd better thank Varda that you're one of my favorite characters.

'I still think we should kill him now and save the trouble of going through Moria,' grumbled Isolder.

Shut up, Isolder. My decisions as Narrator are absolute.

'But I thought you said you were unstable.'

Yup, and what I just said proves it.

'Huh?'

Oh, never mind. Elves these days, I gotta tell you.

'So what now?' complained Luke, impatient to get going.

'So now the Misty Mountains are beyond these woods,' Obi-Wan put in.

Isolder's eyes widened. 'Did you clear that with the Lady? You're supposed to clear any topography changes with her, you know.

'Yes, I know, and I did.'

The lead Elf whose name the Narrator cannot remember at the moment (maybe Haldir, maybe not) gestured at a very large tree. 'Up the stairs and to the right, taking into account that there is no other way,' he directed.

Most of the company suddenly started feeling rather nervous (Obi-Wan didn't because he was a wizard and stuff). Some of them had heard stuff about the Lady of the Woods…and not all of it was flowers and pink bunnies. 

Since Obi-Wan wasn't really supposed to be there (but since we all love him he gets to stay for a little while longer), he tailed along at the back of the group.

They reached the top…and gazed in awe.

Coming slowly towards them was a beautiful Elf. 

'Natalie Portman!!!' they gasped.

She looked mildly annoyed. '**Padmé.**'

'Sorry,' they murmured, except for Anakin, who kept staring.

She shot him a glare and he blushed furiously. (Well, could it really get more obvious?)

'Hey,' complained the Elf-lord, 'you haven't mentioned me yet.'

Oh. Sorry. At Lady Padmé's side was Lord Qui-Gon.

Obi-Wan was shocked. 'Master?!?!?!?!?"

Qui-Gon was shocked. 'My young apprentice?!?!?!?!?!?'

'What's going on?' demanded Padmé.

'Er…just a little reunion, sweetheart,' said Qui-Gon.

Anakin turned even redder, and this time he wasn't blushing. '**WHAAAATT?? HOW DARE YOU, YOU OLD**—'

'COOL IT!' barked Obi-Wan. 'You're too late, Anakin. She's a grandmother already.'

Anakin's jaw dropped. 'But…but…'

Human Han decided to shove him off the edge. Luckily for Anakin, there was a conveniently placed rosebush to break his fall.

****

*THUMP* *CRUNCH*

'**OOOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWW!!!! YOWCH!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, HAN!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOW!!!!!**'

Everyone applauded, being grateful.

'Well done,' said Padmé in a nicer tone of voice. 'For that, you can fall in love with my granddaughter.'

Han grinned, then remembered something. 'Uh…I already have, m'Lady.'

'Oh.' Padmé thought for a minute. 'Well, then, with her father's approval, you can marry her.'

Han grinned, then remembered something else. As if Lando would let him marry her. Oh, well. He could always try, right?

Then Lady Padmé decided to get on with the part where she talks to people in their heads. After that was done, they all went to bed, except for Obi-Wan, who was having a nice little chat with his old Master about various stuff, and catching up on things.

'You've grown,' Qui-Gon said appreciatively. 'A beard, I mean.'

Obi-Wan made a face. 'I don't really like it. It itches sometimes.'

'Oh, don't worry, Obi-Wan, you'll get used to that.'

And so their conversation went, until Obi-Wan commented on Darth Vader's new inclination to being evil.

'Always knew that boy was up to no good,' remarked Qui-Gon, and then the sun rose and they realized they had missed almost any chance of sleep.

'Crap,' said Obi-Wan, and flung himself on the ground. He was in REM sleep in no time.

'Wish I could learn that one,' Qui-Gon yawned wistfully, and went to see what was for breakfast.

~~~

Soon after breakfast the group was ready to go. The Elves gave them provisions, cool capes with leaf broaches, and boats, while Lord Qui-Gon lay snoring on the ground.

'Wait a minute,' interjected human Han, carefully stepping over Lord Qui-Gon. 'We can't go through the Misty Mountains in boats.'

'Now we can,' said Obi-Wan. 'I had another talk with the Narrator, and we can go through the mountains and Moria on the river, provided I die a dramatic death somewhere around Khazad-dûm.'

'Sweet,' cried Han, not seeming to care about the part where Obi-Wan dies. 'This'll be a heck of a lot easier, just floating through!'

'Actually, we'll be rowing upstream,' said Obi-Wan.

'**WHAT??!!??**'

'Just kidding,' said the wizard, grinning. 'Oh, you should have seen the look on your face just now!!!'

Han stormed off into some bushes to sulk.

Wedge heaved a pack of _lembas_ into one of the cockleshell boats. It sank.

'Oh, crap,' he said, looking down at the bubbles rising from the water, and then shouted, 'OH, **CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**' as the _lembas_ expanded and a huge doughy mound rose out of the water.

Hobbit Han smacked his forehead in disbelief.

Lady Padmé sighed and uttered some strange-sounding words.

The soggy island disappeared. Wedge looked like he wanted to, as well.

'So,' said Watto, marveling on the sudden expansion, '_that's_ how one can feed a grown man for…however long they said.'

'Excellent observation, Watto,' muttered human Han, still in a crappy mood.

'Well, sor_ry,_ your Highness.'

'You'd better be, you shrunken hovering elephant.'

'Ohhhh, you take that back!'

'Will not!'

'Will so!'

'WILL NOT!!'

'WILL SO!!!!!'

'**WILL NOT!!!!!!**'

'**_CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**' screamed Obi-Wan.

Silence reigned. Even the birds listened to a ticked-off wizard, or they could end up smoldering in their tree, and they knew it…somehow.

Things eventually went back into gear, however, and before long the party was off, going down the river in their little boats, out of Lothlórien.

Luke, Wedge, and human Han went in the first boat. Hobbit Han, Chewie, and Obi-Wan were in the second, Isolder and Watto in the third, and poor Anakin got the last boat all to himself (for obvious reasons).

Chewie started singing in Shyriiwook. [Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…]

"What's he saying, Mr. Luke?" whispered Wedge to Luke.

"…I have no idea."

[…merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.]

"I hope you're not expecting an Oscar, Chewie," commented hobbit Han.

[What? Are you saying my singing is bad?]

"Let's put it this way. Luke and Wedgie don't even know you're singing."

[Oh.] Chewie seemed to ponder this. [Have they never heard me sing before?]

"Well, maybe they have and they just don't know it."

Chewie looked satisfied at this and sat back.

Luke and Wedge were beginning to look extremely confused. Lindo and Chelsegorn suddenly popped up out of the river on an inflatable dinghy and began chanting, "Eloquent, e**looooooo**quent, 'ello, QUINT!" Obviously, this did not help the situation.

Everyone almost tumbled out of their boats in surprise at their appearance, and almost tumbled out again when the strange pair vanished into thin air.

All four hobbits panicked.

"Another strange appearance!!!" shouted hobbit Han, feeling he had to declare it somehow.

"And disappearance," added Wedge.

"Shut up, Wedgie."

~~~

Meanwhile, in Isengard…

Darth Vader the White (???) was trying to decide on what he should call this new species that he so cleverly excavated. Should they be Storm-hai, or Uruk-troopers? Hmmmmm…

Tough choice.

Thanks loads to my reviewers.

Read Lord of the Clings.

Read The Three Little Pigs in Star Warsese.

I wrote the above two stories, except they're in my other author's account here. Whoopsie doodle. I'll put them under my favorite stories in this account for easier accessibility.


	4. In Which Obi Finally Meets His Doom At T...

And more!!!!

…[My bonnie lies over the ocean, my bonnie lies over—]

"Shut up!" cried hobbit Han, trying to sleep.

[Well, sor_ry_, Mr. Cranky. I can't help it if I'm the only one in a good mood.]

Hobbit Han glared at him and tried to curl up under his bag of _lembas_.

Obi-Wan sighed and patiently kept rowing.

A few meters ahead, Luke and Wedge played chess while human Han tried to invent a rowing machine out of some marbles and office stationary.

"GAH!!!" he screamed as three marbles rolled out of the boat into the river. "ALL I WANT IS TO MAKE A FEW STUPID BEARINGS!!!"

Wedge quietly took out his roller blades and, removing the bearings, gave them to Han.

"Thank you."

Wedge nodded and chucked his useless rollerblades into the river.

"Checkmate," Luke crowed.

"Aw, nuts," scowled Wedge, and tossed the whole board, kings and all, into the river.

[Quit that,] Chewie yelled from across the river. [You're destroying the ecosystem!!!]

"BITE ME!!!!" screamed Wedge.

"Not a good thing to say, Wedgie," hobbit Han muttered under his breath.

Chewie dove into the river and swam over to Wedge's boat.

Wedge screamed in panic as Chewie grabbed his arm. "AAAAAHHHHH, NOOOO!!!!! **HAIRY PIRAHNAS!!!!!!!!**"

Luke sighed and detached Chewie from Wedge's arm before he could bite. Chewie trailed off and paddled back to his own boat.

~~~

After a few days, they noticed they were passing into the Misty Mountains. Obi-Wan began to look sort of depressed, but hid it rather well, except for the odd sniffle.

Isolder looked down into the water, driven by intuition. "Hey, guys, guess what!!!"

"Chicken butt," snarled Watto, and resumed napping.

"Noooo, there's some kinda tentacle down there. It looks funny. Oh, wait…I saw a head!!"

Human Han snapped to attention. "What? Tentacles? Heads? At the bottom of the river?"

"DIANOGA!!!!" screamed Luke in panic. (reference: the thingie that almost ate Luke in the trash compactor)

Everyone started panicking and paddling like there was a dianoga on the riverbed. Well, actually, there was, but that's beside the point.

Massive dripping tentacles rose out of the water, reaching for the little boats, or to be more specific, their occupants.

One grotesque tentacle wrapped around Luke's arm and lifted him out of the boat. Luke yelled and tried kicking it to death, but it didn't really work too well.

Human Han drew his sword Elendil and hacked the appendage off, letting Luke drop back into the boat.

Obi-Wan whacked nearby tentacles with his staff.

Isolder and Watto whacked nearby tentacles with their paddles.

Anakin paddled frantically and outpaced everyone.

The Fellowship passed through a huge cavern entrance, the river leading inside.

The dianoga, maddened at its recent defeat, tore away at the cliffs. A cascade of boulders and loose gravel tumbled down behind the company. They were TRAPPED. (scary music: **dun**, dun, _dunnn_…)

"Oh, no," groaned Luke, feeling like he was going to panic.

Human Han cleaned Elendil and put it back into its sheath.

"Well," said Obi-Wan, "that was interesting."

Everyone murmured agreement while he put the funky crystal into the top of his staff, lighting up the cavern.

Then the whole Fellowship gasped in wonder. The river they were boating on inexplicably began to flow up a long set of stairs that lay before them.

Confused, they decided to try it anyway. It worked. They didn't even have to paddle; the current carried them up the stairs and down a long stone hall.

They came to a fork in the river where it parted three ways. Obi-Wan directed them to tie up the boats to the side while he pondered the way.

Luke looked back and saw something. He wasn't sure what it was, but he thought it was a creature of some sort.

He tugged at Obi-Wan's sleeve. "Hey. I saw something following us."

Obi-Wan answered without turning. "Yes, it's the creature Gollum, from whom your uncle took the Ring."

Luke blinked. "Gollum?"

"It's the sound he makes when he coughs or whatever. His real name was Yoda, and he was a creature not unlike you before the Ring took him."

"You mean he used to be whiny?" asked hobbit Han.

"No, Han. He used to be something not unlike a hobbit." Obi-Wan looked like he was losing his long-lasting patience.

Luke frowned. "Well…then he'll want the Ring back, right?"

"Right."

"Oh, good. I can get him to take it to More-Door for me."

"NO, YOU LITTLE **IDIOT!!!!"**

Luke cringed. "Why not?"

"He will take the Ring for himself, and run far, far away! MIDDLE-EARTH WILL BE DOOMED, **AND THE ENTIRE MISSION RENDERED POINTLESS!!!!!**" he screeched.

Luke cringed again. "Sorry."

"It's OK." Obi-Wan decided to brush it off, now that Luke knew what a fatal mistake he had almost made. Then he thought of something. "Wait."

"What—"

"Sssshh. I…Ha! I know the way."

"You remembered?"

"No, the air just smells fresher this way."

Obi-Wan instructed everyone to unlatch their boats and come down the left passage. Strangely enough, the river stopped flowing down the other two passages and put all its water into the left passage.

They stared as they passed by.

"Wow. That's weird," said Isolder.

"Shut up and keep the boat steady," snarled Watto.

Luke looked up at human Han, who had his eyes tightly shut. "What're you doing?"

Han refused to open his eyes and grudgingly admitted, "…I'm afraid of the dark."

Luke chortled. "Then why do you have your eyes shut? It's a heck of a lot darker that way. Besides, there's Obi-Wan's lightbulb on his staff."

"It's not a lightbulb," shouted Obi-Wan from his boat. "It's a crystal…or something."

Han slowly opened his eyes. "Oh. It's not that bad."

Wedge grinned impudently. "Just you wait till you have to walk down the Paths of the Dead."

Han's eyes widened and he started sucking his thumb, issuing quiet whimpers.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Idiot hobbit. Now look what you did."

Wedge shrugged. "I thought he'd read the books already."

Anakin still cringed in the last boat. He was wondering why the heck did they have to go through Moria, especially when he was all by himself. You see, he was the sort that had to be with someone most of the time, especially when going through dark and mysterious caverns with a river flowing inexplicably.

Human Han started biting his fingernails.

"Oh, stop that, you big baby," shouted Obi-Wan. "Do I have to come over there and stick on cherry tomatoes?"

Han made a face and stopped biting. "Yechhhhh."

Wedge looked astonished. "How can anyone not like cherry tomatoes?"

Over in the other boat, Chewie shrugged. He liked cherry tomatoes.

"Whoa!!!!" Isolder shouted frantically.

Everyone looked at him strangely. 

"What is it?" asked hobbit Han.

Isolder blinked, somewhat bewildered. "I thought we went over a waterfall."

Obi-Wan chuckled. "Elves and their long-sight. The waterfall isn't for another four meters, Isolder."

They all looked forward apprehensively as what Obi-Wan just said sank in.

"**_YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…_**"

****

SPLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luke finally became aware of a vague blur of light. "Whhaaa?" he groaned. "Where 'm I? Wha' time izzit?"

He heard a sound much like the riffling of the pages of a daily planner. "Hmm, let's see. Ah. It's the twenty-first of October, ten o-clock in the morning, if you want to know."

Luke woke right away. "Obi-Wan!!"

The wizard sat beside him, soaking wet. "Hmmm. Thought we were in Rivendell again, didn't you?"

Luke realized they were in Moria. "Aw, crap. And you're still not the Tooth Fairy."

"And it's not really the twenty-first of October, nor is it ten in the morning. Actually, I have no idea what time it is, because my watch shorted out."

Luke tried to get some water out of his ear. "But I thought we weren't supposed to have digital watches in Lord of the Rings. Or even plain watches."

Obi-Wan shrugged and tossed his useless watch into the water. "Well, now I don't have a watch, so I hope you're satisfied. Oh, and nor do we have boats anymore."

"Whaaaat? Why not?"

"The waterfall took care of that. Either they're smashed into little tiny bits at the bottom, like I wish Anakin had been, or they're swept away, like Anakin was."

"Anakin was swept away?" interrupted human Han. "When?"

"WILL YOU QUIT ASKING USELESS QUESTIONS???!!!?? WHEN WE WENT OVER THE WATERFALL, OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"No thanks to you," yelled a somewhat distant voice.

"Anakin?" shouted Han, trying to peer into the dark. "Where are you?"

Anakin came paddling up the river in an inflatable dinghy. "Look what I found!!"

He beached it on the rock ledge they were sitting on, and Obi-Wan closely inspected it.

"Not bad," he said, "but it's only a six-seater. Who is absolutely useless to the mission?"

Everyone looked at each other.

Obi-Wan chuckled. "I was just kidding. We'll work it out, somehow."

Wedge looked at him apprehensively. "You're not going to turn anyone into a politician, are you?"

"No, because the average politician is a weighty middle-aged man. I'm going to have to turn human Han and Anakin into hobbits, that's all."

Both Hans blanched. "But…you can't do that!!!" wailed one. 

"We'll be indistinguishable!!!" cried the other.

Obi-Wan shrugged. "Well, look at it this way. Hobbit Han might just benefit from this. When the time comes for me to turn one back to a human, we all might just not know which one was a human in the first place. Then hobbit Han would have a 50% chance, statistically, of getting taller."

Hobbit Han considered this. "Well, that would be nice, but I'd feel pretty weird when I went back to the Shire."

Human Han nodded vigorously. "And we couldn't very well trade places. No offence, but he's no king."

Hobbit Han shrugged. "None taken."

"And," human Han continued, "I don't really want to be a hobbit when I marry Leia. It'd be rather embarrassing for me to all of a sudden be a head shorter than her, instead of a head taller."

Obi-Wan looked exasperated. "Well, then, what do you want me to turn you into? A squirrel?"

The Hans exchanged looks. Human Han thought about this. "Well…I suppose it wouldn't be too bad."

"Very well then." Obi-Wan considered for a moment. "What rhymes with squirrel?"

"Hurl," said Watto.

"Pearl," said hobbit Han.

"Curl," said Isolder.

"KIBBLES!!!!" said Wedge, filling in for Taffy. If you don't know who Taffy is, read Lord of the Clings: the Tale of the Queen of Saran Wrap, also by me. READ IT NOW!!!! If you don't, you will most likely be horribly confused later on in this spoof.

Obi-Wan kicked Wedge. "All right…let's see…ah. Kibbles Make Me Hurl, You Can't Curl a Pearl, Turn this Human Into a Squirrel."

*poof*

Han the Squirrel looked up from his new position. "Wow. This feels weird."

Anakin started laughing.

"Quick," Obi-Wan whispered to the others. "What rhymes with sloth?"

Grinning, they whispered, "Cloth."

"Moth."

"Hoth."

"KIBBLES!!!!" yelled Wedge. 

"Huh?" said Anakin, not knowing what was going on.

Obi-Wan hurriedly kicked Wedge and tried to think of a rhyme before Anakin figured out what was going on. "Uh…um…Kibbles in Cloth, A Frozen Moth on Hoth, Turn this Human Into a Sloth!!"

*poof*

"What?!!" cried Anakin, who was now a sloth.

Everyone fell over laughing while he tried to make his way to Obi-Wan. He slowly reached out for the wizard's staff.

Obi-Wan snatched it away. "No more mischief for you, buddy," he remarked. "Maybe I should just leave you like this."

"Nooo, please!!!" cried Anakin. "Turn me back, please!!!"

"As soon as we get out of Moria."

"But…" he sputtered, "but you'll be dead by then!! I'll be a sloth forever!!!"

Obi-Wan grinned malevolently. "Hmmm. Oh, well, too bad then."

"NONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! TURN ME BACK!!!!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAASSEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"

"Later," promised Obi-Wan.

Anakin went off to sulk in a corner.

Meanwhile, Han was trying out his new squirrelly acrobatic skills. "Wheeeee!!!! Wahooooooooooo!!!!! Oh, lookit this!!"

"Show-off," grumbled Anakin.

"Aw, you're just jealous because you can't do a back flip…like this!! And this!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!!!" Anakin barked.

Han the Squirrel rolled to a stop and sighed. "I suddenly have this really big craving for acorns. Weird."

Obi-Wan looked at a random pile of kibble that was sitting nearby. He waved his staff around a bit, and the kibbles turned into acorns.

"Yummy!!" Han scurried over and began eating.

Obi-Wan then went over to another random pile of kibbles and turned them into leaves.

Anakin crawled over and set a sloth record for fastest eating.

"OK," Obi-Wan said. "Enough goofing around. We have to get going."

Hobbit Han let Han the Squirrel climb up his arm.

Isolder steadied the inflatable raft. "Hey, guys, look. It comes with a parachute."

"Why the heck?" wondered Wedge.

Anakin slothed over and fell into the boat. Isolder almost sat on him.

"Hey, watch it, blondie!"

"Shut up or you'll be swimming to More-Door!"

"QUIT IT!!!" yelled Obi-Wan. "Just get in the stupid raft already."

They piled in…and proved a little too heavy.

"OK, then," Obi-Wan said, "come here, Isolder."

The Elf hesitated. "Can I be the small animal of my choice?"

"All right, just hurry up."

Isolder thought. "How 'bout an elephant?"

"Sure, if you want to swim."

"Oh. Uhhh…then I'll be a rooster."

Everyone snickered nastily.

"Fine! I'll be a towel."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Isoldeeeerrrrrr…"

"A turkey?"

"No!!

"A…um…a…a parrot."

"Right. What rhymes with parrot?"

"Carrot."

"Merit."

"Ferret."

"WAIIIIIIT!!!!" Isolder shouted. "I WANNA BE A FERRET!!"

"FINE," barked Obi-Wan. "KIBBLES AND A CARROT, PARROTS WITH MERIT, TURN THIS ELF PRINCE INTO A FERRET!!!!" 

*poof*

Isolder blinked. Being a ferret felt much different. "Hey, this is weird."

Han threw an acorn at him. "Duh."

Anakin pouted. "Why couldn't I be the small animal of my choice?"

"Because you'd likely want to be something like a fire ant," Obi-Wan answered, "and I do not tolerate stinging insects. Right, everyone, get into the raft."

They piled in quietly. The raft was obviously too full for Watto, the last one to board.

Obi-Wan gave him a wicked grin. "Choose quick, or I'll turn you into a two-quart mason jar."

Watto thought hurriedly. "Um…I'll be a womp rat."

"Too big."

"A mynock?"

"Too disgusting. Hurry up."

"A—"

*poof*

Watto the two-quart mason jar sat forlornly on the rock ledge next to the boat. Obi-Wan picked him up and put him in. "Next stop, Khazad-dûm."

Han the Squirrel started filling Watto up with acorns.

"Wheeeeee!!" shouted Isolder the ferret.

Everyone took out their oars and started thwacking each other, because that's what they thought oars were for.

"STOPPIT!!!!!!!" screamed Obi-Wan. "WE CAN'T VERY WELL PADDLE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF MORIA IF WE'RE ALL DEAD!!!" 

"But you're gonna be dead anyway," said Luke.

"I NEED SOMEONE TO CARRY ON FOR ME!!!!!"

"I will," volunteered Han the Squirrel. "I'm gonna be a king soon. Good practice."

"You're a stupid _squirrel_," snickered Anakin. "You can't rule a kingdom."

"At least I'm not a sloth," Han commented, still in a good mood despite all the oar-inflicted bruises. "I mean, have you ever seen a king who looked like a sloth? The concept is absolutely ridiculous."

Anakin glared maliciously at him. "At least sloths have bigger brains than squirrels."

"Maybe, but your processing speed is so slow and sloth-like, I naturally have the advantage."

Isolder grinned at them. "Then how about me?"

They considered this.

"Well," said Han the Squirrel, "your natural field of stupidity would prevent anything productive from happening, even in another body."

"It's the way the world works," added Anakin.

Isolder pouted.

Obi-Wan sat at the back of the raft, as steersman. The four hobbits took on the job of paddling, since Han the Squirrel's arms were too short, Anakin's arms too slow, Isolder too stupid, and Watto…well, duh. Two-quart mason jars can't row boats any more than oranges can grow hair.

Hmm. Interesting mental picture.

Luke peered ahead and saw the passage would soon widen. "Hey, guys, look. It's a big cavern of some sort. With lots and lots of pillars."

The enormous hall's floor was covered with three meters of water. Pretty-looking pillars rose up to the far-away ceiling. The whole place gave off a rather mysterious impression.

"Ooh," said hobbit Han, who watched too much TV. "Mysterious Mysteries would like this." He took out his Camcorder and began recording.

Obi-Wan snatched it away and tossed it into the water. "No out-of-place objects, Han. You know that."

Han felt like crying over his beautiful Camcorder, but suppressed it and kept rowing, for fear that Obi-Wan might turn him into a…(shudder)…politician.

Despite his being a ferret, and despite him being stupid, Isolder still had his Elf long-sight. He pointed up at the ceiling. "There's something crawling up there."

Everyone looked as hundreds of Orcs came swarming down the pillars. Once the Orcs reached the water, they blew up their respective inflatable rafts and set sail towards the Fellowship.

Obi-Wan looked about desperately. Luke looked at the Ring.

The Orcs were almost there when everything went silent. The Orcs all looked back apprehensively.

A wall of glowing red slowly moved towards them.

"Oh, look," said Random Orc #152763, "It's the Balrog."

They sat for a moment, contemplating the meaning of life. Then everyone panicked.

"Run away," shouted one Orc, and all the others complied, dragging their inflatable rafts up the pillars.

Obi-Wan stared at the glowing red wall that was closing in. "Stupid ancient evils. Always ruining it for me." He turned back to the others. "ROW!!!"

They rowed as they had never rowed before. They went so fast, the g-forces plastered poor Watto the mason jar to the back of the boat.

"Wheeeee!!!" shouted Han the Squirrel, clinging to the bow of the raft.

Hobbit Han and Chewie looked back fearfully and saw that the glowy red wall was still catching up. "It's still catching up!!"

Obi-Wan thought furiously. "What rhymes with motor?"

"Floater."

"Notre."

"Promoter."

"KIBBLES!!!" barked Taffy, appearing out of nowhere, and vanishing just as quickly…but not before Obi-Wan could kick him.

"Right…The Kibbles Promoter, a Floater of Notre, Appear In My Hands a Fast Boating Motor!!"

*poof*

Obi-Wan quickly attached the motor to the back of the raft and revved it up.

They sped off through the pillars. Obi-Wan grabbed one of the hobbits' paddles to steer with.

The glowy wall somehow saw this, got mad, and sped up.

The raft shot through the door at the end of the huge cavern.

"YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they all screamed as the raft hurtled down the river that even more inexplicably followed the staircase and did not spill off over the sides. It took the turns and shot over a missing piece of the staircase, much to everyone's horror. Finally the raft slowed a little and they all agreed that was the freakiest ride they had ever been on.

Miscellaneous Orcs started to shoot at them. Isolder the Ferret took out his little ferrety bow and miraculously shot all the Orcs down with arrows only three inches long.

They approached the bridge over Khazad-dûm. The river kept on its course, flowing several feet deep over the bridge, still not spilling over, even though there were no wall thingies to keep it in.

The big red glowy wall stopped and transformed into a big roaring fire-demon-thingie (heck, how am I supposed to know what it looks like? Besides the fact that I saw the movie).

"Go across the bridge!" shouted Obi-Wan over the big noise. "I'll hold it back!!"

They all nodded sadly. Obi-Wan was the best company they'd had on this trip. They all thought everyone else was stupid (except for the hobbits, who always stuck together).

Obi-Wan, waist-deep in water, raised his staff. "GO AWAY!!!!"

The Balrog simply roared at him, and spouted some fire.

Obi-Wan splashed it with water. "I SAID, **GO AWAY!!!!!!!**"

The Balrog roared in malice at having been splashed, and spat lots more flames at the wet wizard, who promptly raised his staff even higher and made it all glowy. "**_STUPID ANCIENT EVIL!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!_**"

The Balrog paused, noting the unusual sight of a wizard this mad. 

Obi-Wan threw a pebble at it.

The demon howled, holding its eyehole, and accidentally tripped, falling off the bridge into the abyss.

Obi-Wan hesitated. He hadn't expected it to be so easy.

A little crayfish at the bottom of the river pinched his toe.

"OWOWOWOWWWW!!!! DEMON CRAYFISH!!!!!!!" Obi-Wan drew his foot up out of the water, lost his balance, and tumbled into the abyss.

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Luke.

"WAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!" yelled Anakin in panic. "I WANNA BE A MAN AGAIN!!!!"

But it was too late. Obi-Wan was gone.

~~~

This is the part where the reader sobs uncontrollably.

Oh, come on. You're not that callous, are you?

Oh, well. Moving on, then.

The hobbits made camp that night at the bottom of the mountain, on the side of the river.

Luke fell into a fitful sleep.

__

Luke.

"Huh?" he said groggily.

__

Luke.

"Hi," he said uncertainly. "Who's talking in my head?"

__

Luke, it's me.

"Obi-Wan?"

__

Yes, Luke.

"You don't have to say my name every time."

__

Fine. I guess I'll just leave, then.

"No, wait!! Stay!! I wanna talk to you!!!"

__

Okay, okay. What did you want to talk about?

"How are you talking to me? Why did you fall? Are you going to turn half of the Fellowship back to their original species? Is—"

__

Whoa, whoa!!! One question at a time!!! Just because I'm dead…sheesh. Okay. First, I'm a dead wizard. We can do stuff even when we're dead, because that's how it works. Also, I do this to you in Star Wars. Secondly, I fell because I got distracted by a stupid demon crayfish…man, that was really_ embarrassing. Thirdly, I'll see about turning the rest back. I have to leave now, Luke; it's my turn to make supper…_

"Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan!!!!"

Luke grimaced. This sucked.

~~~

"Ohhhh, she'll be comin' round the mountain, she'll be comin' round the—"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone yelled.

"Sheesh," Han the Squirrel sulkily replied. "I thought I had a good enough voice. Better than yours, anyway," he added, turning to Chewie.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

The forest by the side of the river was growing thicker by the minute. So thick, in fact, that some trees had to grow on top of each other, which looked really odd…

Anyway, Han the Squirrel soon figured out that they were nearing the place with the big statues and the waterfall…and the places on top of hills where there are thingies that are called stuff like Amon Hen. The Narrator thinks she remembers that as the place where people sit in the tower and they can hear or see better or something…

OK. They floated into the bay thingie, which entrance was marked by huge statues of ancient…um…squirrels? Hey, guys, this isn't in the script.

"So what?" said Han the Squirrel, proud of his ancestry. "I'm supposed to be a king, remember?"

Uh…yeah. Right. So it was marked by huge squirrel statues. Which I will change as soon as Han is turned back into a human.

"Goodness knows when that'll be," he remarked cheerfully.

The company looked up in awed panic at the gigantic stone squirrels, which faced back the way they came. The Squirrel Kings gazed out in the same direction, their huge stone paws extended.

"Oooooooo," said Han the Squirrel in awed panic, however _that_ works.

"Just a couple of dumb statues," muttered Anakin, who received a rather unsubstantial slap from Han the Squirrel, because, of course, squirrels can't slap hard enough for sloths to really notice. So Han solved this problem by getting Chewbacca to bite Anakin.

"OOOOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!#$&* *#^&*#%%&*@*#^@&%$^#*!!!!!!!!!!" Anakin's blue streak, of course, only earned him a whack in the head from, again, Chewbacca. This promptly rendered him unconscious.

Everyone cheered except for Anakin, who was unconscious, and Watto, who was still a two-quart mason jar and thus somewhat unable to utter a sound.

After a little while more of paddling and trying to figure out how to use the boating motor, they beached and wearily got up.

"Oh," groaned Wedge. "I'm sooo sore."

Hobbit Han snickered and said, "Schlemmsach," which means, literally, "whiny bag" in Low German. Of course, only he, I, and you the Reader, would know this. Everyone else stared at him in confusion, not including Anakin and Watto for reasons stated three paragraphs ago.

After dragging Anakin and Watto onto the beach, the company rested for a while, swapping jokes about lawyers and parrots.

They jumped up, however, when they were startled by a strange low thrum coming closer from over the forest somewhere.

"Sounds like the world's largest hummingbird," said Luke, half believing himself.

Everyone else (who could) gave him a good slap, and kept listening.

The thrumming grew louder and louder. The trees started to sway in a wind that hadn't been there a few minutes ago. Then, the noise disappeared over the hilltops and they were left alone in stillness.

"Odd," remarked hobbit Han, voicing everyone's thoughts, except for Anakin's and…oh, you get the picture.

They sat back down on the beach. Chewie was about to tell this great joke about a policeman and witnesses that no one would have understood anyway, when a bright white light appeared from in the forest. 

They shielded their eyes, trying to catch a glimpse of the idiot who was flashing his halogen light around, when they decided that probably wasn't it, and panicked.

"Hey, guys," rang out a familiar voice from somewhere inside the light.

"Obi-Wan?" Luke shouted. "What's going on? Where's that light coming from?"

"Oh…right. Sorry." They heard a loud _click_, not unlike a lamp switch. The light faded and in its place stood Obi-Wan the White.

The company blinked rapidly, struggling to piece together what had just happened.

Luke decided to voice his thoughts, much to the relief of everyone else, who didn't really want to. "Obi-Wan? But…you're dead…You're wearing white? Since when?…What was that noise? How did you make that light? Wha—"

"Luke," the wizard interrupted, "shut up."

"OK."

"First: yes, I'm dead. Well, I was…and kind of still am…but…uh…whatever. Secondly: As a rule, people…uh…let me rephrase that. _Good_ people, as a rule, wear white when they're dead. At least that's what I've been led to believe. However, I did see a dead wizard that was wearing orange…ah, well. Enough about that. Thirdly: the noise was my helicopter. I didn't feel like walking. The Lands of the Dead Wizards are really far away. And for your fourth question: …well, I really don't know. But I can turn it on and off." He turned and showed them the little switch implanted in the side of his neck.

"Ooooo," they said.

Obi-Wan!

"Yes?"

You're not supposed to come back so early!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU????!!!???

"Uh…I, uh…" He tried to hide under a rock.

Obi-Wan, that's not going to work. The rock is the size of your thumbnail. 

"Well, it worked with my last Narrator."

Lucas is busy enough to overlook things now and then. You know that.

"And you aren't?"

The reason I'm writing this at all is because I have way too much spare time.

"Oh."

So, explain to me why you came back so early.

"Uh…There are a few people here who need to be turned back to their normal selves, in case you hadn't noticed, and…well, I missed my old job."

So you think you can get away with this, especially after messing up the topography of two major areas of Middle-earth, and hanging around with the Fellowship too long. Get out from under that rock.

"Aw, darn. I…I, well…that is to say…uh…" Obi-Wan fidgeted.

"We miss him," blurted Luke.

"Yeah, we do," added Wedge.

Han the Squirrel regarded himself in a pocket mirror he had somehow come up with. "Well…I do like myself better as a human."

"Uhhhhnnn…me…too…" mumbled Anakin, just waking up.

*sigh* Ohhhhkay, then. Obi-Wan, you can stay.

"Yesssss!!!!"

****

TO BE CONTINUED WHEN THE NARRATOR COMES UP WITH MORE IDEAS AND HAS ENOUGH SPARE TIME TO TYPE THEM IN…


	5. In Which Our Heroes See Orange, Blue, An...

Yay!!!!! A grand total of four people that bother to review this crappy fic!!!!!

I feel so special!!!!!

Okay, I'm done wallowing in self-pity and humble awe.

Now read this glorious masterpiece that I have so deigned to post upon this deserving site!!!!

A note to statisticians: My above comments balance themselves out, right? That means I'm a completely normal and healthy person.

…YEAH, RIGHT!!!!!! LOL!!!!!

Now for some shout-outs!!!!

****

Elf: Too much like the last? Are you sure? Hmmm…I'll work against that, I promise, but I've already got the next few chapters written out, so…we'll see what happens. Oh, btw, what's up? (knowing giggle)

****

Galadriel-in-disguise: That's right; he's back so soon because I got bored, as I inevitably will. It happens quite frequently. And as to Isolder…well, he won't remain a sloth forever, but I think I'll pull a few strings just for you somewhere in the next few chappies…mwahahahaaa!!!! But he'll get turned into something else yet in this chapter.

Anyway, this is obviously the longest Author's Notes that I've bothered to put up so far, but I feel the need to put a word of warning right here: WARNING! IF YOU, THE READER, HAVE NOT AS OF YET READ MY SPOOF WHICH IS STUPIDLY TITLED "LORD OF THE CLINGS", DO SO NOW OR SUFFER HORRIBLE HORRIBLE CONFUSION IN THIS NEXT CHAPTER BY THE MULTIPLE APPEARANCES OF—

Ahem. Sorry, had to cut myself off or I'd provide you with a spoiler. But chances are, if you've already read LotC, that you know what I'm talking about…

Mwahahahaaa.

So here's a longer posting to compensate for my incessant rambling.

***

Lalalalalaaaaa…okay, we're baaaaack!!!!!

Well, as things go, Isolder ferreted around in their raft, as ferrets will, and found an inflatable tent that went with it.

"Good," said hobbit Han, snatching it up. "I wonder how many it holds?"

They all looked at Obi-Wan.

The wizard sighed. "Why can't you lazy bums blow it up yourselves?"

They kept staring at him.

"Fine. What rhymes with pump?"

"Hump."

"Lump."

"Uh…mump?"

"Kibbles!!!" shouted Wedge, who received an even nastier kick from Obi-Wan.

"Okay…um…Kibbles and Camel Hump, A Case of Lumpy Mumps, Appear Before Us an Industrial Air Pump!"

*kavamm*

A huge air pump suddenly appeared on the ground. Chewie put the opening of the tent to the end of the little air tube, and Obi-Wan turned it on.

The tent began expanding ridiculously in less than five seconds.

"Turn it off! Turn it off!!!" yelled hobbit Han frantically (reference: beginning of ESB), fighting his way past the overgrown tent to the off switch.

Luke and Wedge's eyes widened.

**__**

BOOM!!!!!!!!!! (A/N: Just pretend the "boom" was about 10 sizes larger, okay? And a lot louder. MWAHAHAHA!!!!)

***

Many hours and duct tape rolls later…

Chewie finished blowing the tent up manually. They had destroyed the air pump with the force of the explosion, and poor Luke was still recovering, sitting dazedly by a tree, his ears ringing.

Obi-Wan wrapped the last of the duct tape around a fracture in his staff. "Right. Does it come with built-in beds?"

Chewie looked inside. "Hrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnn."

"Good." Obi-Wan made his way into the tent and collapsed.

Anakin, who had already started to recover from a mild concussion, had no doubt been…surprised…by the violent explosion of the tent, and was rolling around moaning things about Italian salad bars. This, in turn, made the hobbits very hungry, and they began looking around for edible shrubbery.

Except for poor hobbit Han, who had been right next to the tent when it blew. They had had to drag him out of the water. He was also rolling around and moaning, except he was moaning about obscure European cartoon characters, for a reason the Narrator can't really figure out.

Suddenly, Wedge heard a muted *kavamm* noise, and saw the water was beginning to blossom orange close to the shore.

Luke saw a cloud of purple poof up in a tree.

Chewie noticed blue smoke rising from one of the bushes.

Chelsegorn hacked her way out of the bush, Lindo fell out of the tree with a "Wheeeeeeee!!!!" *thump*, and Jandalf dragged herself out of the water, her orange robes streaming orange dye all over the shore, yet somehow remaining just as orange as before.

"Great," she muttered. "Just great. Why do I ALWAYS KAVAMM MYSELF INTO THE WORST SPOT????!!!!????"

"It's not that bad," came the muffled voice of Lindo, her head stuck in an unusually large gopher hole.

Chelsegorn pulled at her ankles until Lindo popped out, a large angry gopher clinging to her hair.

Jandalf swung at the gopher with her orange staff.

*smack*

The gopher fell onto the ground, dead.

Lindo produced a cooking pot.

Chelsegorn made a fire.

Luke, Wedge, Chewie, and Isolder stared with their mouths hanging open.

"Minions of Xendor. What rhymes with dry?" Jandalf muttered, beginning to shiver. 

Obi-Wan came out of the tent. "That's my line! I do all the rhyming around here!"

Jandalf stared daggers at him. "No, I invented it, you imposter!!"

"Imposter!?!?! No one who's dead can come back except if they're a real wizard!!"

"So? I've been dead much longer than you have. _And_ I'm still taller than you," Jandalf smirked.

Obi-Wan grimaced.

[Great,] Chewie remarked. [_Two_ wizards, _together_ in the _same group_. I can tell we're going to get along _just_ fine.]

Jandalf and Obi-Wan glared at him and said simultaneously, "Who asked you, furball?" Then the two wizards stared at each other in surprise.

"It's actually not that surprising," remarked Lindo. "You guys were in the same grad class."

"And mortal enemies, at that," added Chelsegorn helpfully.

"Thanks for reminding me," said Obi-Wan ominously.

"No problem," said Chelsegorn, and took out her pennywhistle.

"The Shire! The Shire!" shouted the hobbits hopefully.

She complied with their request. They sat happily listening to their favorite-est song in Middle-earth, while Obi-Wan and Jandalf glared at each other.

Since Isolder and Anakin didn't have anything else to do, Isolder took out his deck of cards and they began a game of poker.

"Hey," said Han the Squirrel, "can we play sabacc?"

Anakin slowly rolled his sloth eyes. "We don't have a deck of card-chips, nor an interference field, nor a randomizer. So how in the galaxy can we play sabacc? Hmm?"

Chelsegorn and Lindo stared at him, without any idea of what he was talking about.

Han the Squirrel began explaining the game of sabacc to them.

"Aaaaaahhh," they said after he was done, now understanding (if you the Reader want to know how sabacc works, ask me. I'll give you a printout or something).

"Of course," grated Obi-Wan, "the last time I played sabacc was on campus."

"If I recall correctly," remarked Jandalf, "I not only won three hand pots, but the sabacc pot as well. Naturally, that was after I bombed you out with the Idiot's array, after everyone else had the smarts to fold."

Now everyone looked confused. The wizards just shrugged and told them to forget about it.

Han the Squirrel thought. "So…is it that game that made you two hate each other?"

The wizards glanced at each other.

Obi-Wan coughed. "Umm…"

"Let's just say it didn't help matters any," put in Jandalf. "Actually, he was the one that taught me how to play sabacc in the first place, so it was indirectly his fault that he lost, for teaching me so well."

He scowled. "All I did was give you a printout."

"It was very detailed."

All right, you guys. That's enough. You have to quit arguing and stuff now, because we have to get on with the story. Which brings an interesting point to mind: WHAT ARE YOU THREE **DOING HERE????!!!???**

Chelsegorn blinked. "Uhhh…playing my pennywhistle?"

Besides that.

I noticed that Lindo was busy trying to summon up her dog Taffy with Jandalf's staff.

"Hey!" Jandalf grabbed it back. "What do you think you're doing?"

Lindo shrugged and grinned, and pointed to a purple cow with pink polka dots that was standing nearby. "I couldn't get Taffy, but I did get a space cow."

"Ooo." Chelsegorn sneaked up on the space cow and tipped it over. It mooed plaintively, sprawled on the ground.

"Ground beef!" Lindo and Chelsegorn yelled. "Ground beef!!! Heeheeheeheeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"

Obi-Wan stared. "Are they all right?" he whispered to Jandalf, momentarily forgetting their animosity in the insanity of the situation.

"Never have been." She inspected her staff and sighed. "Minions of Xendor. Then again, it all depends on your own point of view…"

He glared at her. "Quit it!"

"Quit what?"

"Stealing my phrases. I should put a copyright on my 'point of view' lecture. It's mine!!!!"

"And I recall you using 'minions of Xendor' more than once on campus, if you remember. You owe me for that."

"Oh, really?"

They stared at each other coldly while the Narrator got more and more ticked off at them, because THEY WERE THE **ONLY REASON THE STORY** **WASN'T MOVING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

So, I, being the **_SUPREME NARRATOR OF THIS STORY_**, decided to make the Uruk-troopers, the creation of Darth Vader the White, attack.

"What?"

I said I would make the Uruk-troopers attack, Obi-Wan, since my characters were not helping me very much AT ALL. 

"Oh, crap."

Arrows flew at them from the underbrush.

Jandalf yelled, "BY ALL XENDOR'S MI—" and was abruptly cut off by a flying lemur that struck her head and rendered her unconscious.

Obi-Wan blinked in surprise, then gasped as he looked up and saw another lemur in a downward trajectory that would soon collide with his own skull.

__

Thud.

The Uruk-troopers wheeled in another lemur-catapult behind the bushes and began firing off the animals at the hobbits.

"En guarde!!" shouted Han the Squirrel, wielding his sword Elendil, which was a bit…smaller…than usual, and still broken off not far from the hilt.

The Uruk-troopers laughed at this and sent in two to dispatch the puny squirrel.

152763 Uruk-troopers later, they finally got the picture and charged the squirrel Ranger.

Well, not all of them. Anakin was busy looking for Luke, who had suddenly run off as soon as the pennywhistle song had ended, and was thus distracted while hobbit Han and Chewie were captured by a group of Uruk-troopers. 

He turned around and saw the hobbits in the Uruk-troopers' vile clutches. 

"Dude!" he yelled. "Where do you think you're going with those hobbits? Huh? Huh?"

The Uruk-troopers were a bit thrown off by this, and paused for a moment, then ran off, dispatched by their leader.

Anakin stared up at the hulking Uruk-trooper. "Uh……hi."

The beast snarled at him and raised its sword-thingie.

Anakin, defying his slothyness, dodged quickly and drew his own sword.

***

Luke stumbled through the forest, panting. He had heard the sounds of battle and was a little scared, to say the least, but he decided to go down carefully and take a peek anyway. In a scene not mentioned previously, Owen had given Luke his old sword Sting, which he had gotten from the trolls' plunder a long time ago or something to that effect. Luke promptly drew this sword as he heard someone coming closer.

And stumbling. "Mr. Luke!! Mr. Luke!! Where are you?"

"Wedge?" Luke whispered loudly.

"Mr. Luke?"

"Ssshhhhh. You're going to attract attention."

"Oh. That's bad, right?"

"Right now, yes. I think." 

"Oh. OK."

They tiptoed through the forest until they came to the raft that was still beached on the shore.

Luke gazed at it for a moment, then started walking back toward the forest.

Wedge was confused. "Mr. Luke? What are you doing?"

Suddenly Luke turned around, began sprinting madly, and launched himself at the raft, which absorbed his momentum and likewise launched into the water.

After a moment trying to comprehend the relevance of the above paragraph, Wedge blinked as it all sank in and ran towards the water. "Mr. Luke! Mr. Luke!"

Luke took out a paddle and headed away from shore.

Wedge took out his surfboard, cueing a ten-second clip insert of "Surfin' USA" by the Beach Boys. "Duuuuuuuuuude!!!" He ran in and flopped down on the board, and began paddling himself to the raft.

Luke sighed in exasperation and turned to face Wedge. "What?"

"I'm coming with you, Mr. Luke!"

"But Wedge, I wanna take the Ring to More-Door by myself!"

"That's right, Mr. Luke, and I'm coming with you! Together we'll be alone that way…uh…did that sound right?"

They were so confused by this that they decided to just get on with the trip, and crossed the lake together, all by themselves.

Or whatever.

***

Han the Squirrel had slain an entire legion of Uruk-troopers and was looking for more when he saw Anakin lying by a tree, pumped full of arrows, and the head Uruk-trooper doing a dorky victory dance.

Han took out his little Squirrel wineglass and his little Squirrel spoon, and clinked the spoon against the wineglass to get everyone's attention.

The Uruk-trooper turned in surprise as Han put his wineglass and spoon away.

"Ahem. I hereby declare that you, the above mentioned Uruk-thingie, are rather guilty, as it appears, of pumping this the sloth Anakin full of arrows, thereby ungracefully committing a homicidal act, which would appear to be murder."

The Uruk-trooper stood there, confused. "Huh?"

"Okay, Og, I'll spell it out for you. You killed him, you stupid mynock."

The Uruk-trooper now looked angry. "Og not mynock. Og like kill. Og kill Squirrel. Og hungry."

Han paused for a moment, wondering why anyone would want to eat squirrel. Then he realized that, one, his opinion in this matter was a bit biased, and, two, Caveman here looked like he could eat uranium and not get indigestion.

Han stood in his ready stance. Which looked kind of ridiculous: a Squirrel, with a sword the size of a toothpick, standing ready. Hmm.

Obviously, it did not have Han's desired effect on the hulking Uruk-trooper, who bellowed and charged into the nearest tree for some reason the Narrator cannot figure out. By some freakish accident, the tree fell on our friend Og, thus making him go squish.

Han was a little too repulsed to gloat in his victory, and by the time he got over it, he noticed Anakin. Because Han had taken too long in annoying the Uruk-trooper into smashing into the tree, Anakin had died before he could utter his last words.

Han grimaced and thought, _Crap, that would suck._ Fortunately, this was not a plot line in which the Reader would expect anything cheesy like that to happen, even if it is somewhat touching, because the Narrator doesn't really care. It's too risky to get emotionally involved with your own characters. People would begin to think you were weirder than you already were, which is rather dangerous.

As Han looked at the pathetic sight of a sloth pumped full of arrows, Anakin began to change back into a human, like the kind of thing that happens when someone dies in a fairy tale. As it was, both Han and the Narrator thought this was also rather cheesy, but Han watched in fascination anyway. Soon Anakin was back to his normal human self, except for the fact that he was dead.

Though Anakin had been rather annoying, as Skywalkers are, Han felt somewhat sorry for him. Though it was already page 43 in Microsoft Word, in the 10-sized font Verdana, Anakin hadn't really lived in that much of the story, seeing as Fellowship had only just ended.

Han considered the fact that he needed to somehow drag Anakin back to the shore. This was theoretically impossible, as Han was a Squirrel, and Anakin back to a full-sized human, and rather tall at that.

Han decided to go ask the others about it. Then he received a startling revelation: He now belonged to a company of four, since he had no idea where hobbit Han and Chewbacca were. Probably carried off or something. This new party consisted of a Squirrel, a Ferret, an unconscious dead wizard, and a two-quart mason jar.

__

Interesting, he thought, and started to cry. 

***

Finally, after he had shot down all the Uruk-troopers in his immediate location, Isolder puzzled over his mysterious quiver. It never seemed to run out of arrows. I mean, he wasn't complaining about that or anything, it just seemed a bit…odd. And impossible.

"No! Only in your mind! You must feel—"

Shut up, Yoda. 

"Hmmmpphhh."

OK, then. Back to the story.

Isolder looked around and saw Han the Squirrel approaching.

"Any idea where Obi-Wan went?" asked Han.

Isolder shook his head. "But, _those_ two are still here." He pointed to Lindo and Chelsegorn.

The above two mentioned, after finishing laughing about the ground beef, had begun to make sand castles the entire time that everyone else was fighting. Chelsegorn was now putting the finishing touches on the turrets, and Lindo stuck in a Jolly Roger flag on the top of the highest tower.

"Yaaaaayyyyy!!!! It's done!!!!!" they yelled, and trampled it.

"Must be some kind of exotic tradition," muttered Isolder to Han, who promptly slapped him in the face.

"Uuunnnnhhhhh," groaned Jandalf, just waking up from her concussion. "Hold the onions."

"HI JANDALF!!!!" Lindo and Chelsegorn screamed, and ran around in circles.

Around, in fact, what appeared to be a white wizard's staff sticking out of the ground. 

And slowly sinking.

Han and Isolder gasped. "OBI-WAN FELL INTO QUICKSAND!!!"

Chelsegorn and Lindo stopped running around the sinking staff, looked at it, and started pulling on it.

"MINE!!"

"NO, IT'S MINE!!!"

"MINE, I TELL YOU!!!!!"

"**MINE!!!!!!!!!**"

With their combined effort, they gradually (amazingly) pulled up Obi-Wan, staff and all, out of the quicksand. He gasped as soon as his head appeared out of the quagmire.

"Aaahhhhhh…thank you…"

"Nuts," scowled Jandalf, and flung a small rock which hit Obi-Wan in the head. "You guys just had to go and _rescue_ him."

Obi-Wan glared at her. "Did you push me in?"

"No, of course not. It was your own stupid luck. That lemur probably propelled you in. Either that, or you rolled in all by yourself. That would figure."

Lindo and Chelsegorn skipped in circles around Obi-Wan. "We saved him!! We saved him!!"

Han the Squirrel shrugged. "You do owe them, Obi-Wan. Strange as that thought might be."

Obi-Wan groaned, then nodded. "What do you two want?"

"GIVE US CHOCOLATE!!!!!!" yelled Chelsegorn, still skipping. "LOTS AND LOTS!!!!!!"

Lindo stopped skipping and grinned maliciously. "BE OUR SLAVE-WIZARD!!!" she yelled.

Jandalf smirked. "Sounds fair to me."

"Why…what do you have to do with this?" Obi-Wan sputtered.

"Well, I'm the one who brought us three here in the first place, and if they hadn't been here, you would have died. I mean, be realistic. How much can a squirrel and a ferret do in that sort of situation?" 

"Roast marshmallows?" suggested Isolder, who received another smack from his Squirrel counterpart.

Han, much to Obi-Wan's dismay, agreed with Jandalf. "She's right. You owe all three of them."

"**WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! CHOCOLATE AND STUFF!!!!!!!**" screamed Lindo and Chelsegorn.

Han and Isolder stared at Obi-Wan expectantly.

Obi-Wan ground his teeth together and nodded reluctantly.

"And," added Lindo, "You have to keep up your end of the deal for at _least_ fifteen Microsoft Word pages, in the 10-sized font Verdana."

"It's only fair, you know," put in Chelsegorn, and then she widened her eyes in horror. "Unless of course…you don't honor your word."

Obi-Wan fumed. "No one can say I don't honor my word."

Jandalf smiled brightly. "It's settled then. But before we get on the move, I'd like to take the liberty of turning the Squirrel, Ferret, and Mason jar back into their normal selves."

Han and Isolder beamed. Watto couldn't, really, nor could he hear this…but anyway.

Obi-Wan fumed some more.

Jandalf turned to Chelsegorn, Lindo, Han, and Isolder. "What rhymes with man?"

"Tan."

"Fan."

"Van."

"KIBBLES!!!" shouted Isolder. Lindo kicked him.

"Right…Kibbles By A Fan, A Tan-Colored Van, Turn This Squirrel Back Into A Man."

*kavamm*

"Yay!" shouted Han, now back to his normal human self.

"My turn," volunteered Isolder, since Watto was quite unable to.

"Okay, what rhymes with Elf?"

"Kelf."

"Melf."

"Drelf."

"But those aren't real words!" cried Jandalf.

"We couldn't think of anything else," said Chelsegorn.

"Use 'em anyways," suggested Lindo. "Maybe it'll work."

"And KIBBLES!!" shouted Isolder, getting another kick from Lindo.

"Fine," said Jandalf, "but if Isolder turns into anything else, I'm not to be blamed. Um…this is really weird…OK. Kibbles In Kelf, A Drelf Strangling A Melf, Turn This Ferret Back Into An Elf."

*kavamm*

Isolder turned into a dictionary.

Jandalf groaned. "Talk about cruel irony. Oh, well. Is he a rhyming dictionary?"

Han checked. "Nope. Just a normal one."

"Darn. Okay, then, we have a dictionary until I can get my hands on a rhyming one. While I'm at it…does anyone know of any _real_ words that rhyme with Dwarf?"

"Morph?" suggested Chelsegorn, after some thought.

"Yeah, that's one."

They sat and thought for a while.

"…Barf?"

"**NO**, Lindo!"

They sat and thought some more.

"Worf?"

"Well…" Jandalf thought. "Under any other circumstances, I'd say no, but right now it'll have to do."

They thought and thought and thought and thought, but just couldn't come up with anything else.

Jandalf sighed. "I never thought it would come to this, but…" She reached into her pocket and drew out a phone booth with a funny little antenna on top.

They gasped. "You stole it from 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure'?"

She shook her head. "They gave it to me for a birthday present. Now, we're going to have to get someone to go back in time and get Watto and Isolder as they used to be, and bring them back here. It's risky, but we'll have to try. Who wants to go?"

Silence.

Lindo and Chelsegorn snuck up behind Obi-Wan and coughed simultaneously.

"Right," said Jandalf, "Thanks for volunteering, Obi-Wan."

"What? But I—"

Chelsegorn and Lindo pushed him into the phone booth. Jandalf dialed the number on the phone, shut the door, and all three waved at him.

*whoosh-kazoo-zap-poof*

***

Obi-Wan hurtled down the weird tube-thingies that took people to places. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you don't like that movie, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING READING THIS SPOOF??!!??!!! Ahem. Finally, one of the tube thingies opened up and he sailed down in the phone booth to a very familiar-looking place. It was just after the waterfall in Moria, and he exited the phone booth just in time to hear himself say, "FINE!!!! KIBBLES AND A CARROT, PARROTS WITH MERIT, TURN THIS ELF PRINCE INTO A FERRET!!!!" 

*poof*

Isolder blinked. "Hey, this is weird."

Han threw an acorn at him. "Duh."

Anakin pouted. "Why couldn't I be the small animal of my choice?"

"Because you'd likely want to be something like a fire ant," Obi-Wan answered, "and I do not tolerate stinging insects. Right, everyone, get into the raft."

"WAAAIIIIIITTT!!!!!" shouted Obi-Wan, rushing up.

Obi-Wan stared at himself. "What am I doing here? I mean, my other self. What the…I have another self?"

"No, I've just come from the future—"

"I KNEW IT!!!" shouted Isolder, who received a slap from all four hobbits.

The Obi-Wan who had just traveled in time strode up, grabbed Watto's arm, and dragged him into the phone booth.

*whoosh-kazoo-zap-poof*

***

The three waited impatiently, then Chelsegorn spotted the phone booth falling from the sky.

"There he is!!"

*thud*

Obi-Wan and Watto got out dazedly.

"YOU FORGOT TO GET ISOLDER??!!!???!!!!??" yelled Jandalf.

Obi-Wan blinked. "Oh. Yeah. Isolder. Ummmm……"

Okay, guys, look. I don't want to have to type about Obi-Wan going back again and getting Isolder, so I the Narrator shall now make Isolder the Ferret turn back into an Elf-prince, and the mason jar disappear.

*poof*

"Yay!!!" cried Isolder, his former self having returned to him, unfortunately without any extra intelligence. Little did he know, though, that at the request of one of the Narrator's reviewers, he was doomed to return to his ferrety form…but that's a bit later in the spoof. You must keep your attention here and now, where it belongs, young Padawan.

"Now," said Obi-Wan, continuing with the present, "we have to go look for hobbit Han and Chewie. The Uruk-troopers have gotten a fair head start—"

"Wouldn't that technically be an evil head start, noting who you're talking about?" interrupted Jandalf.

Obi-Wan glared at her. "Now that they've gotten _a_ head start, it'll be more difficult for us to track them."

"Well, **duh**," everyone said in unison, even Isolder.

Obi-Wan sighed, wondering why everyone had turned against him all of a sudden.

Chelsegorn broke out into song. "We're off to see the winders, the wonderful winders of Zo. And so, and so, and so, and so, that's where we go. That's where we're walking in a row…doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doooo…'cuz we're off to see the winders, the wonderful winders of Zo!!!!"

In case you have no idea what that was about, perhaps I will nag Chelsegorn to put up her Wizard of Oz spoof up on Fanfiction. Or if you are one of my local friends, just ask her for her full printed copy. It's pretty long, so you might want to read it with some refreshment, like iced tea.

Lindo muttered darkly and drank some random iced tea that popped out of nowhere.

Jandalf eyed her. "Did you make a copy of my staff, or something?"

"Behold the powers of confusion!" yelled Isolder, and promptly received a smack upside the head from everyone within reach.

"Right," said Obi-Wan. "Now, what's the next leg of the trip?"

"We must save hobbit Han and Chewie from the foul clutches of those most vile Uruk-troopers!" cried Isolder dramatically.

"Riiiiight," said human Han, currently the only Han present. "Hey, I've got a great idea. Why don't we split up. Isolder can go east, Watto south, and I'll head north. We're bound to run into something helpful!"

Obi-Wan grinned nastily. "In your case, Rivendell, right?"

Han glared at him. "I—I never said _Rivendell…_"

"Ohhh, but that's what you meant."

"Someone's waiting for Hannie-Wannie…" sang Isolder, and received a very substantial smack upside the head from Han.

"I have a better idea," said Obi-Wan. "We'll all go together."

Jandalf grinned wickedly. "Oh, I don't know. What do your masters think?"

Obi-Wan sighed and turned to Lindo and Chelsegorn. "We're all going together. What do you think about that?"

Chelsegorn frowned and went deep into thought, tapping her chin and scuffing a hole into the ground with her foot.

Lindo scratched her head, furrowed her brow, and stared down at the ground, kicking around a small pebble.

Then both their heads popped up at the same time and they said in unison: "Okeedokee!"

***

"Uuhhhn," groaned hobbit Han.

"Hrrrrrrrnn," groaned Chewbacca.

They were slung across the backs of two running Uruk-troopers, and had tangible proof that their captors had never taken baths.

"What is bath?" grunted one of the Uruk-troopers.

Han explained. "It's when you take a big tub of nice warm fresh water, and a bar of soap, and you jump into the water and scrub all the dirt off with the soap."

"What is soap?"

Chewie wrinkled his nose. [Well, that explains a lot.]

"Do you think they'll be following us?" Han quietly asked Chewie.

"Urf."

Han looked down at his leaf brooch. It was a really cool brooch, and he wanted to keep it, but the thought of getting lost and dying wasn't. So he pulled it off with his teeth and spat it out on the ground. Miraculously, none of the Uruk-troopers noticed it.

***

Fortunately for the group, human Han was an exceptional tracker. Unfortunately for the group, Isolder was an exceptional idiot.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Do we have any Oreos left?"

"No."

"I want one."

"Shut up."

"Can I drive?"

At this question, Jandalf suddenly stopped walking, causing all the people behind her to crash. "Ooh…what rhymes with 'van?'"

Lindo and Chelsegorn grinned.

"Man."

"Tan."

"Fan."

"Kibbles!" shouted Isolder, who promptly received a kick from Lindo.

"Okay…okay…Kibbles Colored Tan, A Man With A Fan, Send Us A Big Purple Seven-Seater Van."

*kavamm*

A big van appeared before them. A big purple van.

"I WANNA DRIVE!!!" screamed Lindo, who is much worse at driving in spoofs than in real life.

Jandalf swallowed. "Uh, make that orange."

The van turned green. Lindo sulked while Jandalf looked at her staff in confusion, then shrugged.

"All right, everyone. Get in."

The party began to pile into the van.

"Han," called Obi-Wan, "sit in the front. You're the tracker."

Han got into the passenger seat and began pushing buttons on the radio.

Lindo and Chelsegorn sat in the very back and made Obi-Wan kavamm them some chocolate to eat on the way, and giggled together at nothing in particular.

When everyone else had piled into the van, two remaining people stood outside and glared at each other.

"I'm driving," growled Obi-Wan.

"I don't think so," snarled Jandalf, then did the "oh, I'm a cartoonist" thingie that the real-life Chelsegorn and I use on the real-life Lindo, slightly revised. If you wish to do this and never have before, it's very simple. Just pitch your voice slightly higher in a near whining tone (or for guys, use falsetto), and bob yourself up and down slowly while flopping your hands, elbows bent down. For example, if you had a friend (we'll call him Bob) that was really good at, oh, say fixing cars, you would pretend you were Bob, do the above actions, and say, "Ohh, look at mee, I'm a mechanic, ohhh…" The entire purpose is to make fun of someone and annoy them greatly at the same time. Which was what Jandalf was doing at this moment. "Ohh, I'm a pilot, look at meee…"

Obviously Obi-Wan did not share the same sense of humor at the moment. "I get the picture. But I'm still driving."

Jandalf grinned. "I dunno. What do your masters think?"

"MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!" yelled Chelsegorn.

"GET IN THE BACK, WIZARD-SLAVE!!!" screamed Lindo. "WE WANT MORE CHOCOLATE!!!"

"MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!" Chelsegorn added again, very loudly.

Obi-Wan grumbled and went to sit in the back.

"Woohoo!" said Jandalf, and looked at the van's pathetic tires. "Um, guys, what rhymes with 'tires?'"

"Fires!"

"Mires!"

"Buyers!"

"Kibbles!" Isolder got kicked yet again. Heavens knows why an Elf would want kibbles. Then again, with Isolder…

"Um…okay…Kibbles In Fires, Mires Of Buyers, Appear Before Us Some Rugged Off-Road Tires!"

*kavamm*

"Ooh. It's like a monster truck, but a van." Satisfied, Jandalf climbed into the driver's seat and revved the engine.

Han peered into the distance. "Wow. Good view from up here. Umm…left. No, right a little bit. Like, two point five six degrees…that's good. Hey, that's a really nice brooch…Keep going…wait…right a little more…yeah, that's great…LEFT!!! GO LEFT!!!"

Jandalf swerved over. Everyone got crushed against the right side of the vehicle as they narrowly missed a very steep cliff.

She parked, and they gaped at the breathtaking vista.

"NEW ZEALAND!!! WE'RE HOOOOME!!!" screamed Chelsegorn and Lindo.

"No, silly, that's Rohan," commented Han.

"Like you, except with a 'ro?' " asked Isolder, being stupid as usual. He was knocked unconscious, slapped on both sides of his head by Lindo and Chelsegorn.

"Thank you," everyone else said.

"Look," Han pointed down to the hills. A cavalry was riding around pointlessly in circles, trying to occupy themselves, all the while cheering wildly in panic.

"Hold on," yelled Jandalf, and floored the accelerator.

Screaming, some in fear, Lindo, Chelsegorn, and Jandalf in insanity, everyone held on to seats, seatbelts, or anything else remotely stable, as the van flew off the cliff.

It was the longest 2.563001 seconds human Han had ever experienced.

__

Thud-crash-boom-voip-kazoo-poit. They landed with a very strange reel of sounds that the Narrator spontaneously concocted, thus attracting the attention of the Riders of Rohan.

Han rolled down the window. "Wassup, Riders!"

Dazed, they filed out of the van while the Riders, cheering wildly in panic, surrounded them.

The leader of the Riders, whom the Narrator shall replace with a random obscure Star Wars character, surveyed the odd group in a calm panic. "What business do a human, an Elf, a wizard, a human, a Dwarf, a human, and a wizard have in Rohan?"

"You could make it a lot easier," suggested Jandalf, "and say, 'three humans, an Elf, a Dwarf, and two wizards.' "

Exar Kun glared at her, then sighed. "Sorry. Don't have my grammatical guide with me. Had to leave the bloody book at home. Banished under pain of death, you see. Bloody annoying."

She nodded sympathetically. "Do you want to borrow one of mine?"

"Oh. Do I. That'd be great. Thanks muchly."

"No problem. Consider it a gift."

The Riders cheered wildly in panic. Jandalf gave Kun one of her grammatical guides. She currently had 152763 copies on her at the moment.

"You were banished?" asked Han.

"Quite. King can't tell the difference anymore between friend and fiend. But that's the way the cookie crumbles, I suppose. Ho there," he said, turning back to Jandalf, "you wouldn't happen to be the grammatically correct orange apparition, would you?"

"Actually, yes."

The Riders cheered wildly in panic.

Exar Kun nodded, then indicated Chelsegorn. "And her. She wouldn't happen to be the confused blue Kingly ghost, would she?"

"Mmm-hmm."

The Riders cheered wildly in panic.

Exar Kun nodded, then indicated Lindo. "And her. She wouldn't happen to be the insane purple hobbit specter, would she?"

"Yup. Looks like someone's read Lord of the Clings."

All the Riders raised their hands, and cheered wildly in panic.

Lindo, Chelsegorn, and Jandalf grinned, and screamed simultaneously, "WE'RE FAMOUS!!!"

The Riders cheered wildly in panic.

"Would you like to go to the city, Edoras?" asked Exar Kun. "Afraid I can't take you there m'self, but I can show you the way."

"Okay. Where is it?"

"That way," he pointed.

"Thanks," said Jandalf.

"You can have the van, if you want," said Chelsegorn.

"We're leaving it here, anyway," said Lindo. "Come on, wizard-slave."

Obi-Wan pouted.

The Riders cheered wildly in panic.

Han and Watto exchanged glances, dragging Isolder along with them. "Hey, what about us?"

Exar Kun looked over at them. "Oh. You with those three?"

"Yeah."

"All right, I suppose. Go ahead. And by the by, we happen to have a few spare horses on us. Can't really remember if their masters died, or what, but you can have 'em."

They received the seven mysterious horses gratefully, since their van was quite beyond repair, and stuff.

The Riders cheered wildly in panic, and waved good-bye.

***

A/N: If you, the Reader, do not know who Exar Kun is, look him up on the starwars.com database, under "characters". All the information you need. Or I could just tell you right now…

Nah. I'll be nasty.

And don't complain to me that you don't have the Internet. Chances are, if you're reading this, you do. And if you don't, you're one of my local friends, reading the printout, and can easily come over to my house, where I have the Internet.

Anyway. On with the spoof.

***

"Why haven't you talked about us?" complained Luke. "It's been eight whole Microsoft-Word-10-size-font-face-Verdana pages since we appeared last."

Quit griping. You and Wedge wandering about in the mountains isn't quite as entertaining. Well, it _wasn't_, anyway.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Wedge.

Ohhh, nothing…

"Riiiiiight." He decided (wisely) to keep walking and stop talking.

Unlike Luke.

"I hate this _lembas_ bread. I'm so tired of it. Stupid mountains. Why couldn't we go around them? My feet are sore. I want a helicopter. Someone should go fetch that Da Vinci guy. I'm sure he'd be able to come up with a good flying machine. I hate walking. I'm gonna get a blister. I hate blisters. It's icky when they pop. I want to stop for a while. I'm cold. I—"

Luke. SHUT UP BEFORE I **HURT YOU**.

He cringed and kept walking.

Little did the two hobbits know that they were being followed.

"We're not alone, Wedge," said Luke.

Luke. You're not supposed to know that yet.

"Oh. How 'bout in a few minutes?"

*sigh* Okay.

A few minutes passed.

"We're not alone, Wedge," said Luke.

"Oh," said Wedge, not really caring.

***

The end…_for now…_

Heeheeheee!!!

I'll update soon. Maybe even today. Who knows…


	6. In Which Nothing Makes Sense, Like All T...

Yay! The next chapter is finally here! Sorry I kept you waiting so long, but life has accelerated, it being that time of year and all, and I have also been busy betaing Audreidi's Jedi Dawn…blah blah blah.

Next Chapter.

Oh, yeah, and a BIG THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE REVIEWED, WHICH IS ACTUALLY A VERY SMALL NUMBER BUT THAT'S OKAY AS LONG AS YOU GUYS AND SOME NEW PEOPLE REVIEW!!!

Also, I will be making a rather large reference to the Dune series in this chapter, especially the book Children of Dune, but if you don't know it, that's okay because there'll practically be a basic outline of the events of the book anyway…heh.

~~~***~~~

Sooo…back to the others.

The Uruk-troopers had just about run themselves to exhaustion. Fortunately for them, they had missed out on the part where they camp beside Fangorn Forest at night, and had not been slaughtered mercilessly by Exar Kun and his panicked Rohirrim. Therefore, hobbit Han and Chewbacca had not been able to escape, and were just realizing something must have gone wrong when they passed through the gates of Isengard.

"Chewie. I don't think the troopers were supposed to make it this far."

[…Oh. You could be right on that. Hey, Uruk-dude!]

The Uruk-trooper that carried Chewie on his back grunted at Han. "What he say?"

"We want to know why we're here. We were supposed to have escaped."

The Uruk-troopers that carried Han and Chewie halted in confusion, backing up the rest behind them. "What?"

"Take issue up with Darth Vader," snarled the lead Uruk-trooper, who had been renamed Og after the other Og died. Uruk-trooper leaders were always called Og, for no particular reason. "He work something out."

"Ja, ja," the rest of the Uruks said, making Han and Chewie wonder if they had any German blood. "Ja", by the way, is pronounced "yah", for those who don't know that a "j" in German makes a "y" sound. There, you just had a German mini-lesson. Now you're ready to tour Deutschland! But not before reading however much this spoof has left at this point.

But anyway. The two hobbits were dragged mercilessly up the stairs and into the room with the doors, in which Obi-Wan had previously received his beating, which was back on page eleven, quite a while ago.

They were shoved to kneel on the floor while Darth Vader himself walked into the room, and stared at them, rather surprised. "What are they doing here?"

The lead Uruk-trooper scratched his head in confusion. "You order we nab hobbits. We nab hobbits, bring them here. You like?"

"Uh…sheet. I don't know. Just a moment." Darth Vader pulled his script off the shelf, dusted it off, and scanned through. "It never says anything about me interrogating or capturing a pair of hobbits."

This confused the Uruk-trooper so much, he left the room before his head blew up.

Han and Chewie remained on the floor, hoping things would go their way.

Vader kept staring at his script, not really paying any attention to the hobbits.

Chewie got up off the floor when he saw a cool-looking rock on top of a stone pedestal. [Hey, what's that?]

Han stared at it. "Wow. I dunno. What do you think it does?"

[Maybe it's like that Force-sensitive rock Qui-Gon gave Obi-Wan for his thirteenth birthday.]

"You read too much."

[Yeah, I know.] Chewie walked up to the _palantír_ and stared into it. [It's all swirly.]

Han got up to have a look, curiousity driving him. He poked it once. Nothing happened. Chewie prodded it gently. Still nothing.

They looked at each other.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?"

[I'll set up the pins.]

When Vader finally tore his attention from his script, he saw his two small captives playing a game of bowling with some random pins set up at one end of the room, and the two hobbits at the other. Han was in the middle of a delivery, and Vader saw the pair had actually gone so far as to drill three hobbit finger-sized holes into one side of the _palantír._

"SHEET!!!" Vader yelled, and swiped the seeing stone away. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROCK???!!!???"

Han and Chewie stood forlornly.

"It already looked like a bowling ball."

[Can we keep it?]

"NO!!!! Now go back outside and tell Og to bring you back to their camp near Fangorn Forest, and that he has to drop you two off there."

Han and Chewie exchanged glances. [That's it?] Chewie asked.

"I mean, it seems kind of weird that you would just let us go like that," offered Han.

Vader stormed into a different room and slammed the door shut behind him, leaving the two hobbits in the room with the way out left wide open. They walked out and blinked in the bright sunshine.

Og was nowhere to be seen, along with his troops.

Then the pair saw the small storehouse off to the side, nestled against the wall. They grinned at each other and raced for it.

***

A maiden stood forlornly on a palace at the top of a town on the very top of a high hill that overlooked a lot of boring shrubbery. This particular maiden was forlorn because she was bored. Looking at shrubbery all day will do that to a maiden. If you are a maiden and are curious as to how this works, find a boring shrubbery-laden area of Middle-earth and try it yourself. If you are not a maiden, chances are it will work anyway. If you cannot find your way to Middle-earth, try the portal underneath your bed, or perhaps the backing of a wardrobe next to the one that leads to Narnia.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Depa Billaba stood there forlornly, wondering if her brother Exar Kun was ever going to come back. True, he was somewhat eccentric, but he was better company than a bunch of shrubbery. Besides, he had forgotten his grammatical guide at home, and she knew he tended to repeat himself without it.

A/N: Depa Billaba, in Star Wars, is Mace Windu's Padawan. Well, she _was_ his Padawan. Then she became a Knight, then a Master, then she got a seat on the Jedi Council…you get the picture. Look her up in the databank while you're there for Exar Kun.

Depa saw something. Some people were coming over the horizon on horses. She squinted and made it out to be seven people. She couldn't see much besides that, so she took out her macrobinoculars.

First she saw a massive mechanical foot lifting from the snow. She zoomed out, and the huge metal frame turned out to be an Imperial AT-AT…

Oops. Wrong planet.

She zoomed in on the Group of Seven and found them painting a particularly nice area of Ontario shrubbery…

Oops. Wrong group.

Okay. Maybe I'll get it right this time: She zoomed in and focused on the motley group, seeing a human, an Elf, a wizard, a human, a Dwarf, a human, and a wizard. In that respect, she was much like her brother.

So Depa put away her macrobinoculars and watched them approach for a while, then headed inside, hoping she wouldn't find that shrubbery had infested the Golden Hall. It had been a few hours since she had been there, after all…

***

The horses picked their way over spindly shrubbery.

"There it is," said Isolder reverently. "Edoras."

Han rolled his eyes, got off his horse, and knocked at the gate. "So much for Elf long-sight."

"Come in," someone yelled from inside.

They looked at each other, opened the gate, and rode in.

There wasn't much to see except for a few houses rising out of the shrubbery. All the people were dressed in a cheerful bright yellow, and waved at them as they came in.

"Don't see why they're so happy," muttered Han. "This place bores the Force out of me."

"You aren't Force-sensitive," Chelsegorn reminded him.

"Yeah, thanks. I really needed that right now."

Lindo whacked Obi-Wan on the head and demanded more chocolate. Half-conscious, he complied miserably, wondering when it was ever going to end.

***

"Ohhhhh," groaned hobbit Han.

"Hhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnn," groaned Chewbacca.

The pair lay on the floor of Vader's storehouse, completely and utterly stuffed.

"That," grunted Han, lighting a pipe, "was an amazing meal."

[This,] said Chewie, also lighting a pipe, [is some amazing weed.]

"Got that right."

They lay in silence for a while, smoking their pipeweed.

"You know what," said Han, "I'm getting this strange urge to go into Fangorn Forest and make friends with a tree."

Ent. Make friends with an_ Ent._

"Sorry. With an Ent."

[What's an Ent?]

Han looked perplexed. "I have no idea. But I really like this weed."

Chewie nodded his agreement and sent up another ring. [Maybe we can go find this Ent thing after we're done smoking.]

Han paused. "The _whole barrel?_"

[…Sounds good to me.]

"Okay."

***

Darth Vader was bored. He needed a vacation.

__

I've heard More-Door is particularly nice this time of year, he thought. Besides, it was time for his annual report to his master.

Mwahahahaha.

***

A cold wind drifted through the dingy mountain range as the Narrator attempted to drag herself back from her latest reading of the TOTALLY AMAZINGLY COOL book, "The Phantom Tollbooth", by Norton Juster or somesuch. I think that's his name…then again, it might be the illustrator's… Ah, well. If you have never read it, pick it up after you're done reading this spoof, I urge you. It's cool for all ages, unless you were born yesterday, in which case you wouldn't be able to read…

Sithspawn, I keep getting distracted. Gets sort of annoying after a while. Anyway. So there was this cold wind in the dingy mountain range, the eerie noise it made covering up the scrabbling sound of a small creature.

"Nasssssty hobbitsessss," it muttered to itself in a gravelly voice. "Stole it from us, they did. Wants it back, we do…Precioussss!!"

"Find your own salad," Wedge muttered in his sleep while Luke snored loudly.

They both woke up all of a sudden because it seems to be an important plot device. I mean, it would kind of suck for them if they all of a sudden got strangled in their sleep by some little green dude…

The above mentioned creature launched himself from the cliff face to land on Luke's head. Luke started screaming while Wedge tried to pry the creature off.

"Get off Mr. Luke!!! Off, I say!!! OFF!!!"

The creature turned its attention to Wedge briefly, long enough to shove a random red crayon up his nostril.

"OWOWOWOWOWWWW!!!" Wedge tried to pull the crayon out. Not succeeding in this, he returned to the task of prying the creature off Luke's head.

Ten hours later, the creature fell limply off Luke's head, exhausted, while Wedge collapsed in a heap, the red crayon still stuck in his nose. Luke tottered over to their spread-out blankets and flopped down for a nap.

"Precious," the creature mumbled, and lapsed into snoring.

***

The next morning, the creature woke up to a different sort of tune. He noticed the rope tied around his neck, and looked up to see Luke standing there, indecisively holding up his blade, a panicked look on his face.

"Right," said Wedge, the red crayon still firmly lodged in his nose. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"Help you I can, yes."

Luke blinked. "I don't need your help. I'm looking for a Jedi Master."

Luke. Wrong script.

"Oops. Sorry. Um…yeah, we could use a bit of help."

Wedge looked shocked. "But Mr. Luke…we don't even know who he is yet."

"Um…Gollum. Yes, that was it. I think Obi-Wan told me he used to be called Yoda or somesuch."

"My name," Yoda whispered melodramatically. "My name. Yoda. Hmmm…suffering from Alzheimer's, I am. Forgot to pay my landlady last week, I did, and gave me the boot she did. Homeless am I, without a home, wandering alone, so sad, so sad…"

"Oh, spare us," scowled Wedge, tugging at the crayon vainly.

"Okay," said Luke. "Since the Narrator seems to be particularly indecisive today, I'm going to make Yoda lead us to More-Door."

Wedge thought about the whole story so far, and how it seemed to be leading to nowhere in particular. "Hey, Mr. Luke, how about we join up with the others again?"

"But I wanted to go aloooooooone," Luke whined.

Wedge shrugged. "That doesn't seem to be working so far."

Luke considered. "Good point. Okay, all we have to do is find them. Yoda, can you help us?"

Yoda thought about it. "Hmm… Help you I will, if the precious you give me when finished."

"Yeah, okay."

Wedge tugged at Luke's sleeve. "Um, aren't you supposed to make sure no one else gets the Ring?"

Luke shrugged. "A deal's a deal. Besides, it's only a hunk of metal. That's not what this story's really about, and everyone knows it."

Wedge could only shake his head at Luke's poor stupid ignorance.

Yoda clapped his hands happily. "Good, good. Take you to them, I will. Yes, yes."

***

"Thbbbppppphhhh."

[Heeheehee.]

"Hey, this one's going to be even better…okay…okay… Thhhbbbbbppppphhh."

[Heeheeheehee!]

Hobbit Han and Chewbacca were attempting to entertain themselves. Every time Han burped from their previous large meal, he would try to force it through his lips. Chewbacca found this infinitely amusing.

A deep but timidly quiet voice sounded out somewhere above their heads. "I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer, the little-death that brings total obliteration—"

"Hey!" shouted Han. "Who's talking?"

"Um…me."

They looked up…way up…and instead of the Friendly Giant, a tree looked down on them.

Oh, but this wasn't just any tree. It was an Ent.

And not just any Ent, either. It was Emperor Leto II.

[Who's that?] asked Chewie.

Read the Dune series by Frank Herbert. THEY ROCK!! EVERYONE DIES!! IT'S SO DEPRESSING!! BUT THEY STILL ROCK!!!

[Um…okay.]

"Hey, tree—" began Han.

"I'm an _Ent,_" snapped Leto. "Even though I have no idea what the heck an Ent is."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Why are you alive?"

Leto shrugged. "I'm not even sure how I got here. One minute, I was, like, metamorphosing and everything was cool, and I was having this cool chat with Ghani, and the next second, I'm in this forest… By the way, what are you?"

"A hobbit. We're both hobbits."

Leto gasped. "Not human! ABOMINATION!!"

"Huh?"

"Oh, never mind. I freak out sometimes, like all the other Bene Gesserit, except they're all chicks and I'm not, and they freak out a lot over Alia, too, but I guess it's what we get for being pre-born… Want a ride?"

"…Sure."

[Sounds good.]

Han and Chewie climbed up and seated themselves on one of Leto's branches.

Unlike most Ents, Leto had a tendency to talk too much, and was rambling on about his Golden Path while the hobbits sat clueless. "And there'll be millennia of peace, like with no war, and I'll be a way better Kwisatz Haderach than Muad'Dib, even though I'm not really one but it works anyway 'cause I can take the Spice Agony, and it'll be so cool, and I'll be the Emperor over the whole galaxy, and I'll have a total monopoly on all the spice, 'cause I've got these HUGE stockpiles of melange, and it'll be so cool, and I'll have all these Fish Speaker chicks, and the Atreides line'll get so mad at me 'cause I just won't die, and no one will ever find my piles and piles of melange until some Bene Gesserit chick named Darwi Odrade comes across them, and I know that'll happen 'cause the spice and stuff makes me prescient, and it's so cool being prescient, and I'll buy so many gholas of Duncan that I'll lose count, and then I'll squish 'em all, and it'll be so cool, and I'll drink the Water of Life again and again, and all the Fremen will be like, 'Kull wahad!' while I roll around in sandtrout like some prescient freak, and my sister's gonna be all weirded out, and it'll be so cool, and Muad'Dib's going to be, like, so jealous, 'cause I'm going to rule the universe while he's only named after some stupid mouse thing, and even the Guild and CHOAM will be so totally clueless, and they'll never ever be able to stop me, and it'll be so cool—"

"Do you ever stop talking?" interrupted Han, who was getting somewhat fed up at this point.

"Nope," said Leto proudly. "Stilgar got annoyed at me too, but that's okay because he's just a Naib, and what do they know about prescience and stuff? I mean, my dad did, and Ghanima does, and…wait, my dad's still alive, but not for long, 'cause he's going to get stabbed in the chest with a crysknife while the crowd freaks out in the middle of Arrakeen, but that's going to be after that idiot Namri slices the heel pumps on my stillsuit, and that sucked, 'cause I almost died, and then Alia and Duncan will be finished going through this emotional thing that's almost like a soap, but that's all before she's going to jump when she finally figures out that being possessed by that stinky fat old Baron is a bad thing, and she's going to tap her fingers all weird, and that'll give it away to my grandm—"

Leto, if you don't shut up, I'm going to make you sorry I ever incorporated you into this spoof. And shame on you for giving the Reader spoilers like that.

"Well, you can't hurt me, because I'm practically Shai-hulud, and even lasguns can't cut through my skin—"

LETO.

"Sorry." He remained silent for the rest of the trip.

"Lay-toe." Han thought. "That's a weird-sounding name."

[Well, you're named after a Chinese dynasty.] Chewie shrugged. [Who knows where this Herbert guy came up with a name like Leto.]

~~~***~~~

Jandalf needs coffee.


	7. In Which The Content Makes Even Less Sen...

WOW!! I'M ACTUALLY UPDATING!! Heh. I'm doing what I can for "Insert Irrelevant Title Here", but it's slow going. Busy and all that. You know, Darth Real Life strikes back. (shrugs) Well, guys, have fun with this. I'll see what I can do to keep this moving. MANY THANKS TO ALL WHO REVIEWED!!

**

* * *

**

"The Plot goes ever on and on, down from the brain where it began…"

Jandalf groaned and grabbed a random pillow, wrapping it around her ears in an attempt to block out the off-key singing.

"…and we must follow it if we can…"

"Rrrrrrrggghhh," warned human Han. "If you don't shut your word port…"

"You're gonna do what?" asked Isolder perkily, having finished singing. He was bouncing up and down, as caffeine was still coursing through his stupid system. While the company had been waiting outside the castle of Edoras (as the guards found they had gotten locked outside and were trying to get one of the men in through a window to open the door) the guards had invited them to take a short coffee break with them. Most of the company had agreed readily, but two of the members, namely Chelsegorn and Lindo, had declined on the coffee part of it, preferring to have hot chocolate and the donuts that were supplied to everyone.

Obi-Wan stared miserably into his half-emptied styrofoam cup of coffee. Although his pact with Lindo and Chelsegorn only had two more pages to go, the Narrator was writing at such a slow pace, it seemed he'd be a wizard-slave forever.

The terrible two came up behind him and smacked him on the head again. "MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!"

Meanwhile, Watto was busily engaged in a debate with one of the guards, arguing about how he could have possibly ridden in on a horse.

"It's in the script! You should-a take a look, I think, uhhh?"

"Impossible, for a creature of your anatomy. You're clearly built for hovering and not for riding horses."

"But how did I get here, then, uhh?"

"I don't know—mayhap the Narrator poofed you here."

"Poofed?"

"You know, when things mysteriously appear or misplace themselves."

"Aaahh, you mean 'kavammed'. But I still came in on horseback!"

This argument carried on far longer than the Narrator thought interesting, so she moved her focus back on some other characters.

"Now if you _really_ want to sing something good," Jandalf was saying to Isolder, "you should memorize 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen. That is one amazing song, I can tell you."

"How does it go?" asked Isolder, scratching his head.

Obi-Wan gasped. "No, don't get them started—"

But alas and alack, it was far too late. Jandalf and Lindo both stood up and began belting, "IS THIS THE REAL LIFE…IS IT JUST FANTASY? CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE, NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY! OPEN YOUR EYES…LOOK UP TO THE SKIES AND SEEEEEEEEE!" Along with Chelsegorn, they began to giggle, collapsing to the floor helplessly.

Obi-Wan groaned.

"Come on, Obi," gasped Jandalf. "You know the rest."

"Absolutely not," he said sternly. "The day that I'll—"

"SING, WIZARD-SLAVE!!!" screamed Lindo.

"This is only your last page of debt," added Chelsegorn.

Obi-Wan fumed, having no choice, and gravely stood up as the trio of Lord of the Clings characters collapsed into helpless laughter once more. "I'm just a poor boy…I need no sympathy…"

"BECAUSE I'M EASY COME!" screamed Lindo.

"EASY GO!" yelled Jandalf.

"LITTLE HIGH!!" returned Lindo.

"LITTLE LOW!!" replied Jandalf, and the three began giggling again.

Obi-Wan sighed, and continued to sing, having not a bad voice at all. Anyone who's watched Moulin Rouge knows what the Narrator's talking about. "Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter, to meeee…to me."

"KEEP GOING!!!" yelled Chelsegorn.

Obi-Wan cast a despairing look upon the rest of the company, and the Edoras guardsmen, who were doing a very bad job of choking down their laughter. "Mamaaaa…just killed a man…put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead… Mamaaaaa…life had juuuust beguuuuun…but now I've gone and thrown it aaaalllllll awaaayyyyyyyy!! …Mama… Oooo-oooo…didn't mean to make you cry…If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on…carry on…as if nothing really matters…"

Jandalf and Lindo supplied the short piano interlude with little "dooo" noises.

"Go on," Chelsegorn prompted him.

Obi-Wan sighed again, and launched into the next verse. "Too late, my time has come, sent shivers down my spine, body's aching all the tiiiime, goodbye, everybody…I've got to gooooo…" His high notes made everyone dissolve into laughter again. "Gotta leave you all behind, and faaaace the truuuuuuuth… Mama… Oooo-oooo…I don't wanna die… I SOMETIMES WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL!!!!"

Lindo and Jandalf exchanged wicked glances, and hopped up beside him for the next part after supplying the next and longer interlude with some more musical "dooo"s.

"I see a little silhouette-o of a man," grunted Obi-Wan at a poke from Jandalf.

"SCARAMOUSH! SCARAMOUSH! WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!!" screamed Jandalf and Lindo.

Then all three: "THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING, VERY VERY FRIGHTNING…**ME!!**"

Lindo: "Galileo!"

Obi-Wan: "Galileo!"

Lindo: "Galileo!"

Obi-Wan: "Galileo!"

Lindo: "GALILEO, FIGARO!"

Jandalf: "MAGNIFICO-OH-OH-OH…"

Obi-Wan: "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me…"

Lindo and Jandalf: "HE'S JUST A POOR BOY, FROM A POOR FAMILY!! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY!"

Obi-Wan: "Easy come, easy go, will you let me go…"

Jandalf and Lindo: "VEZ-MIL-LA! NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!"

Obi-Wan: "LET HIM GOOOO!"

Jandalf and Lindo: "VEZ-MIL-LA! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!"

Obi-Wan: "LET HIM GOOOO!"

Jandalf and Lindo: "VEZ-MIL-LA! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!"

Obi-Wan: "LET ME GOOOO!"

Jandalf and Lindo: "WILL NOT LET YOU GO!!"

Obi-Wan: "LET ME GOOOO!"

Jandalf: "WILL NOT LET YOU GO!!"

Obi-Wan: "LET ME GOOOO!"

Lindo: "Never, never, NEVER LET ME GO…OH! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH…"

Jandalf: "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, **NO**!!!!"

Obi-Wan: "Oh, Mama-mia, Mama-mia…"

All three: "MAMA-MIA, LET ME GO!! BEELZEBUB HAS A DEVIL PUT ASIDE FOR ME…FOR ME…FOR **MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!**"

The guardsmen and the rest of the company cheered at the high soprano that Lindo hit, and were having such a good time by now, they all took out their equipment and set up a band, and began to ROCK!!! Lindo, Chelsegorn and Jandalf began to headbang, and Obi-Wan, quite caught up in the song and forgetting himself, followed suit, then began to sing the next part as the music carried on. "So you think you can stop me and spit in my eyyyyeee…so you think you can love me and leave me to diiiiiee!! Ohhhhh, baby…can't do this to me, baby…just gotta get out…just gotta get right out of heeeeerrre…"

More headbanging followed suit at the next interlude, before Obi-Wan carried on, accompanied by Lindo and Jandalf. "Ooooo, ooooo, oooooooooo…oooh, yeah, ooh, yeah!"

Then Obi-Wan hit his last solo after a short guitar interlude. "Nothing really matters, anyone can see…nothing really matters…nothing really matters…to meeee…"

The piano struck the last few notes as all three sang softly, "Any way the wind blowwwwws…"

A cymbal clash, and then it was over.

"YAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!" screamed Isolder in the dead silence. "DO IT AGAIN!!!!"

Obi-Wan smacked him upside the head and sat down in satisfaction.

"Well," commented Jandalf hoarsely, sitting down next to him, "that wasn't so bad, now was it?"

He threw a dry look at her. "I am never singing that again. By the way, is my debt over now?"

Han checked the pages of this story. "Yeah…it ended when you guys started singing the 'Galileo' part."

Obi-Wan's face turned white. "You mean I didn't have to sing half the song?"

"But it was fuuuuuuuuuuun," Lindo half-whined, half-proclaimed.

"While you're at it," mentioned Chelsegorn, "you mind getting us a couple more bars of chocolate?"

Jandalf grinned. "Now let's sing something by U2! Unless of course, you're ready to give them chocolate."

Obi-Wan groaned. "I was right, after all. This is never going to end."

"You can do something about that, at least," suggested Han. "I read the Narrator's reviews on this spoof, and—"

"You WHAT??" everyone shouted, standing up.

Han cringed. "What? She let me. I found this one reviewer called Galadriel-in-disguise. Apparently, she wants Isolder to keep being a ferret, and I agree with her."

Obi-Wan paused at this. "Well…that actually doesn't sound too bad." He looked warningly at Han. "But you must NEVER read the Narrator's fanfiction reviews again."

Han sighed, and nodded, while Isolder sat there, looking stupidly confused, and then finally figured out what was going on.

"But why can't I be a towel this time?" he whined, and received substantial slaps from all the guards within reach.

Obi-Wan snickered. "What rhymes with ferret?"

"Merit."

"Carrot."

"Parrot."

"Kibbles!" said one of the guards, who got kicked rather nastily by Lindo.

"But those are the same ones as last time," Obi-Wan complained.

Jandalf rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll do the rhyme. Kibbles in a Parrot, Carrot with Merit, Turn this Stupid Elf Back Into a Ferret."

kavamm

Isolder was once again a ferret. "But…but…" he sputtered while Jandalf giggled nastily.

Obi-Wan found a corner and sulked because the rhyme had been stolen from him. Actually, it wasn't really stolen at all, since Jandalf was the one who had invented the rhymes in the first place. But that's beside the point.

"YOU STILL HAVEN'T GIVEN US CHOCOLATE!!! HURRY UP!!!" screamed Chelsegorn and Lindo at him.

He gave in under the threat of another smack on the head, and gave them some chocolate that mysteriously appeared in the air. "That's the last bit."

Suddenly the grand doors swung slowly open…and lo and behold, Depa Billaba was nowhere in sight. She had been quickly replaced by the Narrator's Padawan, none other than Éowyn Skywalker. But since the Narrator is far too lazy to keep remembering and punching in the alt code for the E, she will call her Padawan Tiana Elass instead.

Tiana was shocked. "Master?!?!?!?"

Jandalf was shocked. "Padawan?!?!?!?"

They hugged.

Obi-Wan looked on and thought, _Déjà vu, or what?_

Isolder rolled around in the dust, thinking that might get his ferrety fur clean.

Lindo and Chelsegorn were busy devouring the chocolate.

Watto was grappling with a loop of string, attempting to make the cat's cradle.

Han lifted an eyebrow. "You know each other?"

"Duh," Jandalf and Tiana responded simultaneously.

"C'mon in, everyone," Tiana said then. "I hope you'll forgive the poor reception, but we've, uh…we've been having some problems lately."

Jandalf lifted an eyebrow as they walked in. "Such as?"

Tiana gestured wordlessly to the throne.

Everyone in the company gasped. Upon that magnificent chair sat…a monkey.

The animal stared at them, and scratched an armpit.

"What on Middle-earth is going ON here?!" Han shouted; he'd expected to find a king of some sort, not a monkey.

Tiana's bottom lip quivered. "When the storyline of Lord of the Rings was incorporated into the Narrator's plan…well…she just ran out of Star Wars characters and couldn't find anyone to replace King Theoden. You know what a cruel sense of humor she has."

Jandalf sighed. "Well, then. A monkey obviously can't rule a nation."

"But a Ferret can!" Isolder piped up.

Jandalf leaned down and smacked him in the face. "REFRAIN FROM YOUR STUPIDITY FOR AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES!!!"

Isolder scurried off and sulked in a corner.

Satisfied, Jandalf turned to face her Padawan. "Looks like you'll have to take the reins of Rohan. Figuratively speaking, of course—"

Obi-Wan elbowed his way up. "Excuse me, but as the initial wizard of this story, it is my duty and mine alone to give counsel to the—"

"This is my Padawan, for PETE'S SAKE!" barked Jandalf.

"Yeah," said one of the guards, who just so happened to be named Pete.

Everyone rolled their eyes at this typical example of the Narrator's idiotic sense of humor.

Obi-Wan fumed. "She may be your Padawan, but this is my place in the story."

"It's up to the Narrator to ultimately decide that," Jandalf pointed out. "Maybe you should ask her."

Eh, what the heck. You guys can duel it out or whatever while I go get something to eat.

"What a negligent Narrator," muttered Obi-Wan. "Well. If she wants us to duel it out, then duel it out we shall."

Jandalf grinned impudently. "Oh, I don't know about that. I'm one inch taller than you; therefore, I can give better counsel as a wizard."

If the Readers had thought Obi-Wan was mad before…well…it wasn't long before both wizards were circling each other in the middle of the hall, lightsabers drawn and blazing.

The company watched while the blue and orange lightsabers swung, parried, jabbed, and whatever else Jedi do when they duel.

Han tugged at the Narrator's voluminous (orange) sleeve. "Uh…just a question. Aren't the colors blue and orange complimentary?"

That's right, Han. Exceedingly perceptive of you.

Han grinned. "So. When complimentary colors are put side by side, they bring out the color in their counterpart, making each look more vivid."

Go on.

"So. Are you planning to—"

We'll leave that to Paint Wars.

Han scowled. "But that means Audreidi won't be appearing in this spoof."

You have a problem with that? I thought you were infatuated with Leia.

Miffed, Han returned his attention to the duel.

It was difficult to say who was gaining the upper hand. While Obi-Wan kept slipping upon 152763 mysterious banana peels that appeared at random, the flowers in the 152763 vases that were scattered about the hall were getting to Jandalf's sinuses, and it was difficult for her to concentrate and actually land most of her blows while she was sneezing continually.

Of course, it didn't help that Isolder was trying to sell popcorn among the assembled watchers. And it didn't help that the Narrator was employing her infuriating number more frequently than usual.

Finally after 152763 grueling hours, Jandalf got Obi-Wan into a solid lock. We all know Obi-Wan doesn't handle locks very well. It was a lock in The Phantom Menace that allowed Maul to shove him over the edge, and it was a lock in Attack of the Clones that Dooku won, swung out of, and seared Obi-Wan's arm and leg. So, of course, the Narrator will keep the fact for the sake of consistency.

To his credit, Obi-Wan managed to hold it for almost a few seconds…then Jandalf pushed him onto one of the banana peels. He slipped and fell right on his back, winded.

"Hah," she said, moving her lightsaber over his throat while everyone in the hall gasped melodramatically.

Then he suddenly scissor-kicked her ankles, and she slipped and fell flat on her back, also winded.

Everyone in the hall was silent for about 0.003275 seconds, then burst out into applause.

Both wizards grimaced, trying to regain their breath.

"I was right," crowed Han to the Narrator. "They're in the same position, now. Nobody won."

Are you sure?

Han was confused by this remark on the Narrator's part, and in response bought a bucket of popcorn from Isolder, who was also pigging out on his own wares.

"Mommy," groaned Jandalf.

"Ow," agreed Obi-Wan. He made a valiant effort to sit up, and almost made it when he collapsed again.

Okay, guys, pull yourselves together. I've arranged for a photo shoot in two minutes.

"You…you cruel swine," gasped Jandalf. "How could you?"

Obi-Wan winced. "We've just been in a duel. A photo shoot? We've got to look terrible."

Well, then, clean yourselves up real speedy-quick. Next chapter, the Narrator shall detail the results of said photo shoot…mwahaha…

* * *


End file.
